Thread:AngryLance/@comment-37028137-20200128044919/@comment-39280634-20200426162008

Alright, now on with the rest of the feedback.

- Okay, never thought I'd see a Lilim with a drinking habit. Again, understandable. And I can see her other issue regarding her seperate, more violent personality, and her fear that she might be rejected by her best friend for it. While it's part of her 'defense mechanism', it can be a shame for a Mamono, more so to someone as royal as her.

- I like Emma (or Silme) here: she's such a caring type, like a nice older lady, giving the best advices to an unsecure girl, encouring her to get over her fear, have faith in Nick and open up to him. In retrospective, I feel she understands Vell's fear about loosing Nick better than anyone possibly could. After all, the Doc did died 14-15 times before. And Emma likely had to deal with that every single time... I feel it must've been heartcrushing even to Emma. Yet she keeps up the mirth and optimism.

- Vell's trip through the lab-like portion of the TARDIS was odd (more specificaly, to her); looks like she never seen that part of it. I got nothing much to say here either, except...for the strange wood desk in the middle of the cold, metal lab. A good metaphor for Nick himself, if I can say so. The colored books and the alien fairy-tales were a nice and funny image (are some those stories just alien versions of the original ones ?). What really caught my attention was papers about treatment, writen by Vell and Saphirette (at first, I didn't understand what was that about, until the latter sections, when it clicked for me).

- Huh, seems Nick made a fast recovery here. A cute little relief for Vell. Dude even feels good enough to walk around and go together with Vell into the library. Also, seems he also has some things to tell her. Heh, can never go wrong with some cofee. Unless you need to sleep. Badly. Jokes aside, this is it: she spills her heart out to him, about her fears of the 'other her'. And an interesting insight into that whole thing; seems like it's addictive rush of power from her perspective.

- Second part of the confession: seems her rage is due to repressed negative feelings, outrage at wordly atrocities (most of them related to the Order and the CG) and even what she percieves as her own failures (protecting Nick). Nice moment of tension here, until Nick breaks it up. Here, Nick's reassurance is very nice, being quick to not only reafirm her victories, but also her 'humanity' (hah).

- We then see Nick trying to figure out Vell's 'condition'; the circumstances, the method, the process, etc. and Vell giving some information herself. Which I all found pretty intruiging, since in a lot of ways she resembles Bruce Banner and the Hulk respectively. And they got to the conclusion: Vell's 'bad' side perhaps needs to experience more mild situations or some calm atsmoferes. Reminds me of a little something about the Hulk in the Thor Ragnarok movie; how Hulk was active for so long that he eventualy developed a more articulated inteligence (albeit childlike at that). Dissociative identity disorder ? Yeah, good call on that; it makes the most sense, spot on even.

- After the funny scene with the coffee (how fast did it got cold ? moust've been chatting for hours there), the two seem to have a few more exchanges about trust; it's his turn now and it's obvious that it's just as difficult for him as well, to the point where Vell demands that he trusts her, the same as she did him.

- Yup, so he changed those files about himself on purpose (again, wasn't that Hakutaku's fault). And all because he was just as afraid to be seen as... 'defective', just as she is afraid to be seen as a 'monster'. They mirror each other so well.

- So that earlier paper research; turns out he used that cure himself, but it has gone awry. He was big man, though, not wanting to test it on someone else for fear of hurting them, as well as to not make himslef a liability to others. My respect to the character for being willing to wheather ALL of it.

- And after some more emotional exchange, here comes the main event: the memory sequence. And boy, was it gutwrenching. I never imagined Galifrey as having such a degenerative state (and it reminds me how even Timelords were quite the dicks themselves). Rundown slums, wanton poverty, people dying by the hundreds from either famine or diseases. It's heavy. Nick's very sad circumstances also 'shook' me good (his equaly ill brother, his parrents dying).

- Oh man, it's the bathroom scene ! I remember this when you asked me feedback months ago about it being too grim or not. Except now I learned that it was actualy Vell who was experiencing this. I really did not see this detail coming. Other than that, not much to say save for what I said before: this scene is appropriately dramatic and not overdoing it.

- Last parts: I see everyone come back to reality, having seen how the two of them are big on telepathy and her being visibly shaken (I wonder what whould've happened to human there ?) and we come to the realization about how much Nick loathes himself... just like Vell. And the part with the both of them having vows to help each other and Emma checking up on them and all hugging together is some well needed wholesomeness after that "hellishly sad ride" (guess I'm soft punk :P).

And that's the rest of my thoughts on the excerp. I hope it's informative enough, seeing that more or less all I did was make of sumary of each scene and ocasionaly sharing my personal thoughts or biases. I admit I may have gone a bit lazy on some of them, as this sort of thing takes me too long to do and I often lose patience (I know, rude thing to say, especialy since I promised to help as best as I can). I'm just really slow and lazy when it comes to long works like this. Only difference is that this is something I actualy enjoy, as opposed to various assignments I head during my years in college. Anyways, sometimes I might not be able to keep up, therefore I heartfully apologize whenever this takes me too long.

Overall I liked it, and save for a few dialogues needing to be better differentiated between characters (sometimes I can't tell if it's the same character that keeps talking or another one) it doesn't seem to have significant problems. Like you said, it's a rough sample so I guess you already changed some things about it. I hope my two-cents (or rather two bags of cents) was helpful enough to you. Good day.