Talk:Demon/@comment-36093068-20190730032759/@comment-25930818-20190730045220

CHAPTER ONE

> "Like two hours with King Kong sitting on your head."

Tfw no big kakuen to sit on my face

> Gets soaplanded by Shogs, doesn't even go mad

This is a man who's never seen a monstergirl until 5 minutes ago, let alone a woman who can dissolve into horrifying meat-slime at will, LET ALONE a meat-slime from the Chaos God Outer Darkness where nOnEuClIdEaN gEoMeTrIeS swirl in the void between dead stars. Your protagonist is unreasonably composed, put it that way. The vast majority of humans who live in the MGE world and are familiar with monsters' existance descend into gibbering holy terror on seeing a harpy, let alone a shoggoth! Wormhole an IRL normie into MGE and he'd probably die of apoplexy. To repeat myself: your protagonist goes from wormhole-drunk to wisecracking wiseass too fast for my suspension of disbelief.

...although actually, where DOES the protagonist come from? He's wearing his own suit of armor when he arrives, so he's not John Salaryman. But then he talks about Earth and internet's, so he is John Salaryman.

CHAPTER TWO

Oh, so he's not John Salaryman, he's a laser-pistol gunslinger from Fallout?

Not sure we needed the protagonist's expositions on the Order-DL conflict; is anyone reading this not going to already know?

> "I’m no Bill Shakespeare but I guess my gibberish is open to interpretation."

M E T A

> "And to be honest, I’m not sure why I didn’t just take up some of the girls on their offers."

Well... yeah, neither am I on reading this chapter. And that's kind of a problem, from both a story-internal and a why-am-I-reading-this-story perspective. The oblivious and/or chronically sex-averse ecchi protagonist is the tired meme which this R-rated setting is supposed to AVOID.

For a man who didn't want to chat over his soup, he seems awfully eager to pontificate his Radical Centrism about how both sides r stupid rather than just telling his interlocutor to fuck off. You mention at the *end* of the conversation how he was surprised that he found himself opening up, so at least you noticed that it was OOC, but the point needs to be made before rather than after, otherwise I spend 6 paragraphs getting increasingly exasperated at the inconsistency.

> "Another portal just opened and closed, recently too. Yeah just like the one that crapped me out. A million thoughts ran through my head, not many of them good."

For a man allegedly motivated by returning home (P.S.: why does he want that, rather than stay in free love land?), why exactly does the demonstration that other portals exist (and may be reverse-traversible) conjure mostly bad thoughts?