User blog:Gnomehunter/WWYD Response: Wonderworm

Answer to my own WWYD posted on the wonderworm page

You're running through Wonderland, pursued by one or more mamono who are absolutely insistent on making you their husband. Through a tangle of branches and brush you burst into a clearing and there you find a grove of enormous mushrooms. Upon them is a woman whose body looks like that of an enormous, squishy caterpillar, with proportionally large and squishy human parts to match. She inhales a puff from a bottle of pink liquid, then breathes out a cloud of smoke. "What brings you into my home in such a hurry my boy?" She asks lazily. After hearing your plight she takes another puff. "What a predicament. No matter, sweet boy. Go that way", she points behind her, "past my grove, over the Stream of Conscience, mind the Borogoves, and you will find the door back to your world. Hearing your confusion, she smiles serenely. "I assure you boy, the door is quite real. I see Cheshires leading visitors there all the time. But if you are concerned about being lost, then you may take cover beneath my mushroom until your pursuers are gone. Then I will lead you home myself. You hear the voices of the mamono, calling out for you. What do you do?

The young man stared at her in confusion, struggling to piece together the instructions she had given him, and afraid that he might get even more lost. The voices of the pursuing mamono echoed through the trees just behind him. "Husband! Where have you gone? Please come back!" He jumped, and dove under the large mushroom that the woman was sitting on. He crawled through the thick grass that sprouted beneath the mushroom cap, a mammoth mushroom that drooped low to the ground. He had't even realized that there was this much space beneath the cap, and it gave him hope that he would be able to hide. No sooner was he hunkered down at the stalk when he heard multiple mamono tramp into the clearing.

"Oh! The wise caterpillar! Maybe she'll know where he went!" His blood ran cold. Was she going to sell him out? Maybe he should have tried to run. The mamono ran up to her and asked if she'd seen any fleeing men, and she took a long draft of her juice, exhaling in a billowing cloud that somehow even made its way to his nose.

"Fleeing men...husbands lost and found...like so many little creatures that flee at the sight of a predator, they are gone before you realize...but I am not of the mind to intimidate visitors...whether they be joyfully wedded to one of the denizens of this beautiful land, or a lost puppy looking for its home, I have seen no men today. Perchance you pass by my humble grove another day, and I will have more information. Her lilting voice meandered through the air, punctuated by the pleasant scent of her tobacco, and even the various mamono who were following him seemed to calm down from the atmosphere of the worm. They laughed and began to chat idly, almost as if they had started to forget their quarry. The man found his heartbeat slowing from a racing pitch to a solemn gentle thud, as he realized the worm had actually kept her word. He sat there, silently celebrating, until someone crawled underneath the mushroom with him. Trying not to scream, he saw a dormouse crawl towards him, and with one sleepy gaze, she curled up in his lap and fell asleep. He tried not to panic, deciding that the best thing to do was not to make any sudden moves. Whether the next period of the day passed in minutes or hours, it slowly ticked by, until the group seemed to be prepared to leave. They called for their companion, looking all around the clearing as the worm mused of time lost in the company of good friends. He nudged the sleeping girl, and when she opened her eyes, he whispered quietly,

"I think your friends are looking for you".

"Oh, are they? Thank you sir, I hope you have a nice nap". She slowly crawled away, before standing up to join the small group.

"Bridgette! Where were you?"

"Oh, there was a nice man underneath the caterpillar's home, he made a really comfy spot for a nap". The other mamono went silent, then went alert as if they all had a moment of clarity.

"Bridgette, you dolt! That's the guy we were looking for!" It was a whirlwind of 'oh crap' from there. Two trumparts crawled underneath the mushroom, dragging him out and to his feet. The girls cheered, but the guards looked sternly at the man and then to the caterpillar.

"Sir, you've broken Wonderland's number one rule, turning down the love of a resident. You will be taken to trial immediately. And you!", she says, turning to the worm, "Miss Caterpillar, you may find yourself in trouble for aiding a criminal".

"Enthralled by the scent of my own consumable, and content to the simplicity of the afternoon, it seems that I failed to notice any intruders in my home. I implore you to forgive my misdeeds. Had I the opportunity to aid in the formation of a new couple, I assure you that I would have done so". She looked apologetically at the soldiers, with nary a hint of deception. The soldiers once again, seemed convinced, and dragged him off. He barely had time to blink before they were relocated to a courtroom, with the Queen of Hearts in the judge's seat and the audience of couples surrounding the room. The soldiers stood on either side of the condemned man, as he sat chained to a desk, his accusers to the side. The queen eyed him distastefully.

"Thibault Cornelius Thaddeus!" 'Where'd she get that name?' he thought to himself. It had no relation to his own. "You have been found guilty of the most unforgivable crime of rejecting the love of a Wonderland resident. How do you plead?"

"Not guilty", he stated firmly. The crowd gasped, murmurs and even laughter ringing out through the crowd. The queen hit the podium with her gavel to call attention to the audience.

"Order! Mr. Thaddeus, do you mean to make a mockery of me, my citizens, and the residents with proper testimony?" She beckoned the first of his pursuers, and one by one the group gave the queen their story. When they finished, the queen turned her attention back to him. "Well then, Mr. Thaddeus. We can all see that you have no case, and a mountain of evidence against you. Would you care to speak candidly, or will you continue to waste our time?"

Suddenly he caught a whiff of that sweet scent that he'd smelled earlier. He nearly jumped, but was held firmly in the grasp of the very worm that had originally tried to aid him. Her long body was wrapped around his legs, and she sat with her soft rear end right in his lap, her arms twined around his waist, and her chest in full view. She looked up at the queen, and took a puff, exhaling a cloud of smoke that engulfed them both for a moment.

"Your majesty...if I may interject...isn't it proper, in our civilized land, that an accused be given a fair chance to defend himself? Is there no one who will help this poor boy?" The queen looked surprised, but adopted the same relaxed manner that the other girls had when they first encountered her.

"Miss Caterpillar? What brings you here? And must you sit so close to this criminal?"

"Your majesty...that is the problem. You speak as if he has already been judged guilty. But he doesn't even have someone to assist him in the trial process. In the interest of fairness and proper procedure, I have elected to take that role, and of course I must be near the defendant, to demonstrate that I am speaking in his favor. The queen looked puzzled, as the crowd started to whisper again.

"Very well, MIss Caterpillar, I will grant you the opportunity to defend this man. Have you heard the witness accounts, or will you require them to retell their stories?"

"Your majesty, I am thoroughly familiar with the preceding events. And I give my response as follows..." another long draft of smoke. "How does one catch a sunbeam?" Muttering ensues, and the queen answers rather impatiently.

"Miss, it is impossible. They are entirely intangible".

"Quite. Beautiful, fleeting, a welcome reprieve from a cold and lonely day. But try to contain them and you will only be disappointed. Better to wait for the next one, and may you have a better chance at basking in its warmth". Thibault, as he had been named by the queen, tried to make eye contact with the woman, seeking to know what on earth or wonderland she was talking about. No one seemed to know any better. But she took another draft, and spoke up, regaining the onlookers' attention. "And now I ask you, what happens to a single man who is captured in the web of an arachne?"

"She will gleefully take him prisoner, indulging in his body as though he were a fly to be made into her meal".

"Precisely. Soon after she will take him as her own, and may they live in happiness for as long as time allows. But what if the man lies still? She may become disinterested, or unsatisfied with his reaction. She may turn him loose herself. Perhaps he has been blessed with a mighty premonition, and thought to bring a tool that will allow him to escape. What will our fair arachne do, in this case?"

"Weep, despair, even try to pursue him. But how can she know if she'll find the man again? Miss Caterpillar, I am uncertain of the significance of these stories you tell. What are you getting at?"

"Your majesty, if I may ask for your patience, and that of our audience, I am about to make my point. You are correct in the actions of the arachne...it is difficult to discern just how one single arachne will act in the scenario that I proposed, owing to the great variation in their behavior. But I would posit that the smartest thing to do is lament her loss and repair her web, so that she may find another man who is more suitable to her tastes". More muttering in the stands. Even his guards, his pursuers, seemed to be moved by the worm's words. Her final sentence was spoken with such precision that it startled the crowd right out of their confusion. "And, were an arachne try to capture a sunbeam, she would be teased for the futility, and told to pursue a more worthy objective". The voices grew louder, and soon they gave way to tears and applause, as the crowd was slowly won over by the worm's eloquent speech. Realization dawned on the queen, as she looked to her citizens, then to the worm, then finally to the witnesses. She hastily pounded on the podium, trying to regain control.

"Order! Order! Miss Caterpillar, I see you have demonstrated the exact kind of high quality introspection that I would expect of your kind. But I must consult the accusing party first! She turned to the group of mamono. The dormouse was fast asleep, but one of the march hares could barely contain her sobs.

"Your majesty! It's true, we can't focus on whatever man catches our attention! We have to improve our efforts, to woo him properly! Sir, will you ever forgive us for treating you so unfairly?" Thiabault nodded.

"Of course, there's no use in holding a grudge".

"Then with the accusing party satisfied, I declare defendant Thaddeus not guilty!" Cheers erupted, the soldiers freed his hands, and the worm gave him a satisfied smile as they stood up. The queen departed, followed by the soldiers, as the crowd streamed out of the courtroom, followed at last by the small group of girls who'd started it all, wishing him the most heartfelt farewell as they departed. Finally, he was left alone with the woman.

"Oh my god, I can't thank you enough! You saved me, I didn't think there was anything I could do".

"It was my pleasure, dear boy. Now if you are ready, I will lead you back to your home, as I promised". She took his hand and led him through the streets that quickly gave way to the familiar forest that they'd first met in.

---

When the queen returned to her chamber, she locked the door and threw a proper tantrum.

"Darn! Darn darn darn darn darn! That pesky caterpillar made a fool of me in my own court! Why if I had my way I'd have called out every single logical fallacy she resorted to! Who does she think she is opposing the laws I set for my own citizens?" She flopped onto her bed. "But...she had the crowd's favor, I couldn't just ignore them. And she was clever. I'll let them go. Besides, our little visitor just traded one potential wife for another". She giggled.

---

When the worm led our friend Thibault into the forest, it was soon that they passed her very own grove of mushrooms, over a little stream, and through a grove of bushes. The two were silent, which made it easy to hear the clear, but tiny, voices of girls imploring for him to join them. When he asked, the worm squeezed his hand reassuringly.

"The borogoves, my dear. They are quite harmless, but were you in a less clear state of mind, they would have proven a significant barrier to your return back to your own world. Stay close to me, and I will keep us on the trail". Finally they arrived at what looked like a sturdy door set in a tree. She pulled it open, and light spilled out, almost blinding him and making it impossible to see through the other side. But at this point, he realized he was sure that the door would take him home. His companion had proved multiple times to be acting in his best interest. Now she separated herself from his side, making no attempt to stop him. "Here you are, my dear boy. I wish you all the best in life, wherever you go, whatever you seek to accomplish". He turned to face the caterpillar woman.

"Miss, uh, Caterpillar?"

"Adelaine, if you wish".

"You've outdone any expectation I would have had when coming to wonderland. I didn't think I'd ever have a chance to go home, but you helped me, and now you're not even trying to stop me. I can't think of any way to express my gratitude. But see, even so close to home, I can't accept your offer".

"And whatever do you mean?"

"That smoke, whatever you've been breathing out, I've been breathing too. I didn't think I was going to be able to control myself, much less so close to home, but I can't bear to part from you now!" He pounced on the woman, causing her to yelp in shock as he knocked them to the ground, the fall absorbed by her squishy body. He embraced her tightly, kissing her lips and cheeks and all around her bosom, caressing her body and trying to pull off her clothes. Adelaine moaned, then wrestled lightly with the man, pulling him up so that they could see eye to eye.

"My dear, I do apologize, but it seems that you've been deeply affected by my tobacco. How thoughtless of me. But I will happily relieve you, if only you give me your name as I have".

"Lysander".

"Then, Lysander, join me in wonderland's most noble pursuit!" She kissed him again, as the sweet breath filled his lungs.

---

Lysander remained in wonderland, without another thought of returning home. The mushroom grove made for a comfortable bed, sheltered by the forest foliage. He lay with his wife, passing the days in her soft embrace, as she put her mouth on her tobacco pipe or other objects of interest. She regaled him with tales of the sights she'd seen throughout the land, sometimes conversing with both human visitors and passing mamono. Lysander often puzzled over the circumstances of their meeting. Was it by chance? Or did she have some role in it all? But he couldn't find any reason to be mad when his heart was full of love.