User blog:Party Vanderbilt/Party's What Do Wonders - Dwarf Edition

Archived from the Dwarf page, originally in response to a "What Do You Do" scenario posted by Flodoomable, presented here in mostly unedited form:

"You walk through town when you see a small girl franticly looking around, she's most definitely lost. What do you do?"

I stop to ask her if she's lost her mommy and daddy, as abandoning a child alone is a rather monstrous thing. Upon getting a close look, I realize that she is, in fact, not a child. She's just...sorta Chibi-style. Which can only mean one thing. She's a Dwarf.

I blush and grin sheepishly and attempt to apologize, not realizing that she's been strangly quiet this whole time. It's only after giving my apology that I look at her face again. Oh SH**! She. Is. PISSED!!!

I start backing away, hands in front of me, still grinning that stupid grin, except now it's more of a rictus. I beg her forgiveness; plead, even, but she's not having it. Her face is all red, and there's a vein throbbing on her forehead.

I keep backing away, but she starts advancing, little hammer in hand. Her head's downcast so I can't see her eyes behind her bangs, but I can tell that vein's still throbbing. Worse, I can see what looks like puffs of steam blowing down from where I estimate her nose to be.

"...Yeeeeeah, looks like it's about time to hit the ol' dusty trail," I say, before turning to flee. I've got my right leg drawn up to run, when all of a sudden I feel something grab my left. I turn my head to look back, and my eyes nearly pop out of their sockets. SHE'S GOT MY LEG! OSHI-

Before i can finish that thought, she says through gritted teeth, "I. Am not. A LITTLE GIRL!"

I scream in terror as she jerks my leg out from under me. She starts walking toward the hotel she was looking for, dragging me behind her and muttering under her breath, "I guess I have to prove it."

As she walks, my hands claw at the ground like crazy, trying to pull away and I scream over and over, "Oh God, I'm sorry!". Tears are streaming down my face and people along the street are just kinda...staring and blinking, as she just keeps on her little march towards the hotel door.

As we pass through the door, I make one last heroic effort to save myself by grabbing onto the door frame. Oh, God, I want to LIVE!!! I hold on with all my might, and I actually feel myself pulling out of the door. Then I look back and see that she's looking back at me with big ol' blue eyes that seem to have little flashes of lightning crashing inside. I gulp and give one more mighty pull and...

And she gives a slight jerk with her tiny arm, using almost no strength at all, causing my hands to pop off the door frame. I give out one more scream as I'm pulled in. People just sorta stare as the hotel door slams shut behind me and...well...I suppose you can assume the rest.

To this day, all it takes is the sight of a child on the streets to send me scrambling up a tree.