User blog:Party Vanderbilt/Party's What Do Wonders - Slime Edition

Archived from the Slime page, originally in response to a "What Do You Do" scenario posted by Red Hood:

"You're outside, in a field, reading a pretty good book. Suddenly, it begins to rain. On your way back to your house, you slip several times in the mud. You soon get back to the inside of your house, dropping your ruined book. You head upstairs, and go to your prototype bath machine called a "shower."

When you're inside, you begin to sing.

"Taking a shower, using that soap, gonna get real clean, 'cause I'm so awesome...."

"Taking a shower, using that soap, gonna get real clean, 'cause I'm so awesome...."

A female voice joins in.

"Taking a shower, using that soap, gonna get real clean, 'cause I'm so awesome!"

Somehow, a slime made it's way inside of of your bathroom.

What do you do?"

-

So, as soon as I notice the slimy, cheerful, happy face poking out of the drain, I do what any brave man would do in a similar situation. I scream like a girl and start stomping on it.

The Slime, in her turn, yells over and over again, "Ow! Hey! Ouch! Stop! Quit it," over and over again as my foot continues to rise and fall.

After a few moments of this, something changes. I'm still stomping - or, rather, trying to - but my foot's not really budging. I look down, and the Slime's grinning. She's risen up a little more out of the drain, and my foot's somehow gotten lodged in her boob, of all things.

"Ah HA! Gotcha!"

I scream louder and start hopping around the tiny tub, trying my damnedest to get free, and the Slime twists and jerks around fluidly, still attached to my foot. I kick, I tug, I jump, and none of it works.

And perhaps worst of all, I don't have any of those little rubber, grippy, knobby sticker things on the floor that are supposed to help you keep traction; I mean, this stupid shower is a prototype of an idea I'd had, after all. I'd heard about similar things in other regions, and I thought it sounded cool, so I spent three whole months figuring out the ins and outs of indoor plumbing.

Anywho, that lack of knobby bits wound up being my undoing. After all, what with all the bouncing and squirming it was just a matter of time before I slipped, and slip I do, with spectacular results. My free foot starts to slide around on the porcelain, and I reach out for SOMETHING to catch myself.

All I manage to grab is the shower curtain - which is actually just a repurposed window curtain. Naturally, the damned thing gives NO support, so it's no surprise at all that it rips off the rod. When this happens, my whole body flails.

Somehow, I manage to get my free foot out of the tub. As might be expected, I slip on the bathroom floor and manage to pull the slime the rest of the way from the drain. At the same time, my foot pops out of her.

I crash against the bathroom door, bounce off, knock over the wash basin and grab the shower curtain's rod. The curtain rod rips free and one end goes flying into the bathroom mirror with a loud CRASH. The other end knocks the shower-head off. And to top it all off, I knock against the shelf holding all my clean towels, which proceeds to fall over on top of me as well as break the toilet.

By the time my staff manage to get to the bathroom, the place is a wreck. There's water spraying out of every fixture in the place, and I'm groaning, buried under a pile of wreckage, towels, and a shelf. And sitting atop my lower half, a cheerful, happy Slime is singing, "Taking a shower, using that soap, gonna get real clean, 'cause I'm so awesome!"

Showers.

Worst. Idea. Ever.