User blog comment:Safnar/Pg 11 Lela's first/@comment-25113070-20150602141357

It was good. I liked the different view points for what was going on, it was like many short stories in one. Your writing and sentence structure is improving. But you need to check on your sentence length and complexity when describing events. Try throwing each paragraph into the hemmingway app. it will show which parts are hard to understand, showing them in red. Others will show in yellow if they are getting longer than need be. It is a good app. Also check the hints and tips link on my wall. There are some helpful pieces of information on it.

You could drop using indentation. You are making new paragraphs that have spaces between them, making indentation redundant. :P

The parts that are hard to understand only need splitting into seperate sentences. They will still remain comprehendable. Using the app while writing is a good way to improve your grammar. you wil get to the point where you  notice sentences that are longer than required. Adding full stops and writing them with the correct lengths to make them comprehensible. The whole point. Is that shorter sentences maintain their meaning with a reader, compared to longer ones.

http://www.hemingwayapp.com/beta/index.html