User blog comment:MockingJester/Oh, sweet porter/@comment-27666783-20200103085147

Overall great and wholesome, only things I can say against is little nit-picky stuff. Was the Auramite a reference to 40k Adeptus Custodes by any chance? Druella had a nice rework and you've done a spot on job, but I feel like there ought to have been more emphasis on proving her search beyond the material and social part''. ''Its understandable that a Lilim would probably have no relative metric of value similar to ordinary humans, so the emphasis on her dismissal of all material goods and social/political/martial values holds fruit… but at the same time countermands the point a little.

Her emphasis makes it sound like she finds no value in the things offered because it 'isn't good enough', that she holds no allure to it because she, or her faction, is innately superior anyway so why bother? She finds her heart in the humble protagonist, but it just felt like a missed point to exemplify how she wants him while no alternatives that would benefit her. Instead of her wanting him despite alternatives would benefit her. Same arrival point I do suppose, and to be fair it would make sense for a Lilim to be wicked powerful, but the implications make Lescatie sound really pathetic.

The other aspect was the punitve, retributive justice part with the regent. I know this is MGE, and his comeuppance is probably having to do with becoming a bitch bo- I mean better person, so its best to sign him off to be hunted! And his men! And anyone who worked with his men! And people that contracted them out. And presumably their families…

I pretty sure thats not what you were going for, but in the back of my mind echoed the reason why I can't help but be a filthy dirty Orderite is things like this. Slinging around this much power, and finding ways to belittle and humiliate your foes, much less foes at your mercy, feels like it goes right against what they stand for. Like being awarded Hero of Socialist Labor by the people, only to turn around and watch a bunch of Kulaks get the rifle butt treatment. I would have found it positively cathartic if from that point, the MC had an immediate shift into doubt.

Overall, I say again these are minute points. Maybe its just me channeling my Order fuckery, but I've noticed a habit around the site of being hyper-vigilant in ensuring nothing too 'hard' happens to MGs, but people are MORE than tolerable of fucked up shit happening to humans, men in particular. The latter will get you a 'I know its pretty fucked right? Ha.', the former will get you banned off the site.

Eh. Either way, good work as usual.