User blog comment:Yoush/CROSSOVER MGQ/MGE PART 1/@comment-24768935-20140603213124/@comment-24431359-20140607012238

Yo.

To start with, good job with the prologue. I could tell that you prepared quite much and that you've put a lot of thought into this work.

However, allow me to point out some of the things I've noticed:

(Please remember that these are just my opinion of your work. You are free to do what you want with your fic. I'm just giving feedback.)


 * 1: The writing of the starter plot drive is a little too fast and vague. The whole chapter looked similar to a summary writing rather than the main body itself. A lot of key events can be missed.

Possible solution to #1: Try to give more detail on writing what happened during the key events in the chapter. They are important for the moving of the plot. Like, for example:

You should at least make up your own explanation on how the Demon Lord managed to detect the MGQ world, and also on how she managed to get her spirit there.

Take this line for example: "And the demon lord need more power to overwrite the laws...But after all this time she are less sensitive and can even let her mind wander during this intercourse...This help her for create new lustful mamono,the tentacle are one example... 

Suddenly, she felt something was both close and far...a sensation somewhat similar to when she discover the faerie kingdom...A new world?

She use her power to let her spirit visit this new world...Her husband don't even notice it...In this new world she are surprised to view..."

Making things vague can rouse up a lot of questions, especially if you used this as the focus in the prologue and didn't back it up with even just a minimal explanation during the chapter, and especially if there are some points that deviate from the MGE and MGQ canon. Those questions sound mostly like "How did the Demon Lord make her mind wander out of her head during intercourse? How did she make new monsters while doing so? Just how did she exactly come into contact with the MGQ world?"

When making the explainations to these questions, make sure that your answers are at least based on the canon material of both MGE and MGQ. Also, allow me to warn you: Never ever use excuses like You never asked and 'the plot demands it. 'Trust me, that's not a good move.

Just remember: Every single event in the story always has a reason why it happens. They don't just pop out of the blue.


 * 2: Another thing also alarmed me: Why would Luka and Alice jump out into danger while leaving their children alone, making them open to more dangers? If they knew that the succubus town is currently in a state of being a danger zone, why would they even bring their children there?

I know that you explained in the chapter that Luka and Alice brought their children around the world to let them travel around it and explore it. But I don't think they'd be reckless enough to bring their children into a known danger zone, especially considering how much of a tactician Alice is. They would have at least taken their children home or hid them somewhere before investigating the succubus town.

And also, I don't remember the Dark Slime in MGE being able to convert fellow monsters into slimes, although they can convert human women. But if this is a key element in your fic, you should back it up with an explanation in the future chapters. Don't leave it as an unanswered plot hole.


 * 3: How in the world Tamamo suddenly disovered that the culprit is from another world?

Possible solution to #3: You should have shown the process of how Tamamo managed to discover that the culprit is from another world.

As for your grammar and spelling, you can look for someone who'll do a beta-reading for you.

(Once again, please remember that these are just my opinion of your work. You are free to do what you want with your fic. I'm just giving feedback.

Anyways, good job. I've always wanted to read some MGQxMGE fanfic.)