User blog comment:Breakaway Republic/The Shirohebi and the Hunter: Chapter 4- Sister of the Bride/@comment-121.210.85.107-20151007101649

This was great, though some parts could flow better.

" She softly cupped my chin and continued in an earnest voice that indicated she had dropped the naughty nurse act for now. "I've been wanting to do this since the first night you were at the temple."

A long sentence that you could have switched around for the same effect. Try something like this:

" I've been wanting to do this since the first night you were at the temple" she continued as she  softly cupped my chin. H er voice was earnest - indicating that she had dropped the naughty nurse act for now."

Or look at this scene:

"Despite the rather concillatory tone that our conversation ended on, Lady Husui and Shimo forbade Yuki from ever seeing me again. I was sure that's what the contents of the note would say."

The ending line of " I was sure that's what the contents of the note would say." seems a bit tacted on, try rewording it:

" I looked at the note with dread;  Despite the rather concillatory tone that our conversation ended on,  I was sure that the note was from  Lady Husui and Shimo, forbadeing Yuki from ever seeing me again."

Just a suggestion - this was a great chapter in a very enjoyable series. Never stop writing!