User blog:Party Vanderbilt/Party's What Do Wonders - Cockatrice Edition

Archived from the Cockatrice page, originally in response to a "What Do You Do" scenario posted by PrinceLolipop, presented here in mostly unedited form. Mind that the original scenario is rather lengthy itself:

You are walking along a mountain trail one day when you notice a commotion on a nearby mountain. Upon inspection from your vantage point (the trail you're on gives you a nice bird's-eye view of the action) you notice that a cockatrice (Runus Fastus) is being chased by a brown-furred werewolf (Hornyus Bisexualus). Just as it seems the werewolf's about to catch the cockatrice the cockatrice looks back at the werewolf and says something (you can't hear it from this distance). At this time the cockatrice puts on a truly amazing burst of speed, leaving the werewolf in the dust.

You barely have time to say 'wow' before you hear the sound of rapidly approaching footsteps. In another second you find the cockatrice just two inches away from you. With a 'beep beep!' she begins running full-speed down the trail and her pheromones are making you follow her. Fortunately it's not long before they've worn off and you are resting on the mountainside, no match for the cockatrice's truly supernatural speed.

You're surprised when the exhausted werewolf eventually catches up, trots up to you and collapses in your lap. After some time she gets up, now rather rested, and pulls out a blueprint from. . . actually, you don't know where she got it from. It appears she plans to make a trap to catch the cockatrice. But before she can put any kind of plan into action, both of you hear the cockatrice returning. The werewolf immediately clips a clothespin on your nose, saving you from another futile chase when the cockatrice sprints right by both you and the werewolf. It's clear that the werewolf would appreciate some assistance catching this cockatrice.

What do you do?

No one makes a monkey out of me, or my name's not Party T. Vanderbilt!

I put in a call to my good friends at ACME. Within the hour, they've delivered the rocket sled I ordered and the Werewolf and I are in front of the sled, busy installing the rails it requires for launching. We've just about finished, when we hear a high-pitched, girly, "Beep beep!"

We turn in tandem towards the sound. Our jaws both drop. The Cockatrice sticks out her tongue with a "Pthbbbbbt," and pulls a lever on the side of the sled.

Before we can even consider moving, the rocket sled fires off, and hits us both in the stomach. If flies fast and hard, before eventually careening off the side of a canyon. Both the werewolf's eyes and mine widen comically as we hurtle into the pit.

Fortunately, we land in a small pond full of Demonic Energy(thus making it totally non-lethal). Unfortunately it is, again, full of Demonic Energy. The Werewolf gets all riled up and proceeds to rape me. The last thing I hear is another girlish "Beep beep!" as the cockatrice zooms past us on a road passing right beside the pond.

Gadgeeeeeeeet!!!

...Oops. I mean, "Cockatriiiiiiiiiiice!!!"