Board Thread:What Would You Do?/@comment-36855838-20181214151128/@comment-36855838-20181216051121

TheSnakeLover wrote:

"You're not that good of a liar, Ivan. You can tell me anything, I won't tell anyone else." she says.

From: Your sister and mom, To: Ivan. I look at my sister and mother which seem too excited.

Y'know, I'm not sure whether to be mad that she lied, it did turn out well after all.

Also, minor errors such as "she's pretty cut I guess," which is missing a comma at the end of cut.

Butterkingly wrote:

“That is some single girl,”, I jokingly say.

“...good luck”, Some said before exiting to get back on the road. So now I’m in a room with a sleeping manticore. Well then... *I take out a piece of paper and lie down with the paper on my chest with words to the sky.

I fall asleep, and nothing really happens to my knowledge. I have assumptions but nothing concrete. We do get to the town and the hellhound does as promised.

I start to leave right after saying,”Thank you,”.

But before I can leave the hellhound notices I left the paper on the bed and grabs it to give to me. She does end up readin' it as she comes to me. “You clever bum,” she laughs out as she hands me the paper.

“Thanks, glad it worked”, I chuckle as I walk out with all my stuff. Oh, In case you were curious, that paper was a marriage proposal to someone named "Sam lefttok."

Okay, so pronouns were oddly inconsistent, whether due to a discomfort about lady truckdrivers or exhaustion I've no Idea.

The twist also lacks sufficient buildup, to clarify, adding quotes to the name clarifies that the name is fabricated or stolen, and a name reveal never happens for the protagonist (you didn't have the truck driver ask his name, for instance.)

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All in all, you both did well!