Board Thread:What Would You Do?/@comment-35898511-20190127005844/@comment-35898511-20190130211706

Justheretowrite wrote: Well, typically a character speaking is cause for a new paragraph-

"Like me?!"

"Shut up, Jimmy."

-and in general, chunking exposition into paragraphs makes it easier to digest, because it makes it easier to find your place again if you get distracted.

Note how when the previous Idea was complete, I created this new paragraph.

Breaking up dialogue with minor environmental exposition grounds the situation in the reality of whatever character is being talked at. I'll show you an example.

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"This just in, it has been shown through rigorous testing that news broadcasts are an excellent way to show that danger is closing in while still keeping it distant enough to prepare. In other news, lines such as the one above can show that time has passed or a scene has transitioned. Now for Diane with the weather."

"Well, Jack, it's lookin' bleak today, freezy-freezy all through the north, I do not envy our friends up in canada. Minor snow as the week progresses, and then rain, rain, rain next week-"

---

James fiddled with the dial, static crackled, and he eventually reached the new news station his friend had told him about, the one with the incubus anchorman and the smooth voiced siren weather-woman.

"Good evening ladies and gentlemen, I'm your host, Steve sterling, welcome to the 5:00 news, we're very glad you could tune in tonight-"

James reclined into his chair, Steve's voice wasn't half bad, either, smooth as butter.

"-no outstanding news in the disaster department tonight, but we do have a winner of our 10th annual raffle contest!"

James sat up, looking at his raffle ticket, he had been looking forward to this, according to his pal, the winner got to meet the reporters, and it wasn't uncommon for men to wind up engaged to the lady stars.

"-1549826! If That's your ticket number, call us up at (987)-654-3210,"

A beautiful, almost melodious voice spoke up.

"That's (987)-654-3210, give that number a call if your ticket reads 1549826! I look forward to meeting you!"

In the following silence, James read his ticket, dumbfounded.

It was his.

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Okay, I got a bit carried away writing that, but that's the idea, break up dialogue with exposition, and break up exposition with dialogue, if possible.

As for why I posted that edited version of your wwyd, I initially wanted to just add paragraph spacings to make it a little more legible, but then I realized that some line breaks couldn't be achieved in natural places because of sentence structure.

So I did some pruning, and eventually said 'fuck it' and went whole hog.

There was oddly impersonal language, too. (Some People)

I tried my best to preserve the emotional core of it, but I'll post it with just line breaks below for comparison.

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Bomberman666 wrote: Many years ago you were a child alright with mamono raised by your strict anti mamono parents in a mamono free town today your an adult who shuns mamono and the town you still live in is now a demon realm.

Your one of the only men in the city that has not truly submitted their heart to the mamono if not the only one thanks to a fake ring and an amulet passed down to you by your family.

The amulet has magical powers that will make the wearer immune to demonic energy and have their lust suppressed but it also makes you feel empty for some reason.

The fake ring, on the other hand, doesn't have any magic components but it does help with convincing mamono that you're married.

Living in a place that has mamono running around everywhere you go can be nerve-racking for a person that considers them an enemy.

Seeing monsters every day when going to work buying groceries or going for a walk could break a person with fear disgust and or hate maybe even make them submit to their beauty and love but not you the amulet makes all those feelings go away.

One day out on a walk a witch walks up to you to ask if you would like to have a good time you refuse but she decides to be a little persistent hugging your arm telling you she can bring some friends to up the ante you tell her no again and lie to her that you're married.

Halfway through talking she stops her jabber noticing the amulet you have forgotten to cover up on your chest shocked by it she says

"Hey that's an illegal item you have there who are you?!"

You push her and run away back to your home as fast as possible and never leave the house for the rest of the day.

A few days later you were relaxing on the couch listening to the radio when suddenly there's a news flash.

"Be on the lookout for a man containing an illegal item in the form of a magical amulet we don't have the full details on the man in question but we will soon enough. According to the witness testimony it's been said to be used by people who want to suppress their unwanted desires wearing it you will no longer have said desires but doing so has very unhealthy results. The relic absorbs your emotions and desires leaving the wearer essentially an empty husk deep down inside walking the earth with no anger no sadness no joy no ability to feel pleasure or displeasure whatsoever. So if anyone finds the person who has this item plea-".

Not long after turning off the radio there's a knock at your door. WWYD? i think i understand can is it ok if i use the one you made?