User blog:Party Vanderbilt/Party's What Do Wonders - Goblin Edition

Archived from the Goblin page, originally in response to a "What Do You Do" scenario posted by Mad Larry, presented here in mostly unedited form:

"You are wandering through a cave when you happen on a lone Goblin.She hasn't noticed you yet.As you turn to leave there is a rumble and the ground is shaking.After it subsides you look at the ceiling to see if anything was shaken loose.As you look towards the Goblin you notice a large stalactmite(or is it stalactite)is about to fall on her.

What will you do?"

As I saw the stalactite breaking free of the ceiling, I instinctively dashed towards the little girl, intending to push her out of the way.

"Watch out," I yelled, as I dove at her!

Imagine my surprise when I landed right in front of her, and instead of being impaled by a falling, rocky spear, the Goblin was holding it over her head in her left hand like some sort of big, sword-y thing.

I can only assume that my eyes were as big as dinner-plates at that, because the Goblin just sort of giggled and winked as she said, "Awwww. Was Big Bwothew wowwied about widdle ol' me? That is just sooooooooo sweeeeeeeet! ...I think I'm gonna hafta take you home with me, Big Brother! Yay!"

If ever anything set me off, that was it. I scrambled backwards, and somehow managed to turn and get back to my feet. I started running as fast as I could, with my hands in the air as I screamed my head off. Unfortunately, she did the exact same and her scream (which sounded a whole lot less terrified to me) echoed through the cave...until it was met with a lot of screams that sounded almost exactly the same.

As I continued running through the cave, I started seeing lots of other goblins I hadn't seen on my way in starting to crawl out of holes in the wall, out from under leaning rock slabs, and, well, out of God-only-knows-where-else. They were all smudged with dirt, and lots of them were carrying pick-axes.

Evidently, I'd somehow managed to miss that there was a goblin mining operation going on here. That was about par for my luck. Also par for my luck was that as I passed, and the goblin with the stalactite passed, they all seemed to feel the need to join in.

So there I was, running for my life, hands over my head and screaming my brains out, with a horde of goblins trailing back into the depths of the cave, all being led by that first goblin, all copying me, and all obviously having a blast. And every second or two another one seemed to be giving us a cheer before she, too, joined the pack.

By this point I was starting to get winded. My chest was burning, my legs were feeling like lead, and tears were pouring out of my eyes. Sweat was pouring, too, but that wasn't coming from my eyes. The goblins, on the other hand, looked like they could do this all day.

Just as I was about to fall down and give up, I saw the light. Not the religious sort of light, mind, but actual light-light. I'd made it to the mouth of the cave. If I could just make it through that hole, I could jump onto my horse and get the Hell out of this nightmare.

Renewed of hope and spirit, I redoubled my efforts and finally started putting a little space between myself and the pursuing Hordes of Darkness and Giggles. With a final, heroic burst of speed, I managed to outdistance them and tear my way into the sunshine, when suddenly I realized something...

I'd turned down the wrong path in the cave. I hadn't come out at my camp at all! Instead...

Instead I had run right smack into the middle of the Goblin girls' mining village. And wouldn't you know it? The pack behind me only looked to be a fraction of the girls who actually lived here, who all started poking smiling, laughing heads out of windows, doors and straw roofs when they heard my scream which, I should mention, finally just sorta died out as the original pack came swarming out of the cave.

Well, crap.