User blog comment:Knuckles213/An Adventurer’s Folly - how I caught a Cyclops/@comment-74.129.96.228-20160206191119

Your story has an interesting concept overall, but I can't help but notice a few problems with your writing. You're going for a first-person perspective but treating it like it's third person instead. If you character is telling the story, then how can he know what Leona is thinking and doing while on his date with Aria? I have reason to believe he had no idea of her presence. To fix this, I recomend either change the story to a third-person perspective or try making it more clear when the perspective changes. Another thing, dialoge seems to be fine but very little work is put in the describing the characters' surroundings. Even a minute descrption of the setting the scene is taking place in can help paint a better picture of what you want to show us. Overall, this has potential to be something good if you take the time to illustrate your ideas and write your perspective comprehensive manner. Farewell and good luck on your future projects.