User blog:Breakaway Republic/Questionable Advice

'' Author's Note- Looks as though I created a monster, and that monster's name is Sven. When I wrote out my little Blue Oni post-Valentine's Day one-shot, I had no idea that the legend of Sven the (imaginary) stuntman would grow from there. However, it seems as though an ogre and red oni have also succumbed to Sven's charms. This is a short little fic that is my attempt to explain where the 'Sven the stuntman' mythos may have originated from.''

Thanks to MGE Users Carthois and Knuckles213 for adding their own enjoyable follow-ups to my Blue Oni one-shot.

This is the life.... the silver-haired beauty sighed contentedly to herself as she shifted a little in her lounge chair. After a quick dip in the pool, she was satisfied to relax poolside while enjoying the suns' rays on her smooth, pale skin.

She had only been in the human realm for a short period of time- short by even most human's standards- but one of the places she had managed to visit was Hearst Castle on California's central coast. Having a reasonable facsimile of that palatial estate constructed at this undisclosed location turned out to be much easier than she had thought- she hardly even had to use her wealth and connections from the Demon Realm like she had anticipated.

It looked as though it was going to be another sunny and quiet afternoon at the castle when a shadow was cast across the silver-haired beauty's day.

Actually, two shadows.

"Ilassa-hime...." a Jabberwock in a rather revealing maid uniform spoke up. "Your refreshment."

The lilim almost reluctantly cocked open an eye and could make out two figures standing before her. One of the additional mouths on the Jabberwock was attempting in vain to lick the condensation off of the side of the glass. Ever since arriving here, the Demon Princess Ilassa had developed a taste for peach iced tea and her remote castle was kept well stocked with an abundance of the sweet tea.

"Thank you, Zmayeva" the lilim said as she took the glass.

However, the succubus princess was far less happy to see the figure standing next to her Wonderlandian maid- a pert werewolf in sharp-looking business attire.

"Lady Volchya- to what do I owe this pleasure?" Ilassa asked almost drowsily before she sipped the icy brown sweet tea through a straw.

"Ah....Princess, I hate to disturb you..." the werewolf Office Lady's tone started out nervous and uncertain but grew more composed and collected as she continued. "I just wanted to remind you that the deadline for your column for the MHIL newsletter is this afternoon."

The werewolf Volchya was a senior liaison with a civic group called the MHIL- the Mamono-Human Integration League. Their stated purpose was to help newly arriving mamono settle in the human realm and inform them of human customs and laws, along with specialty mamono fashion and recipes. The publication also had a clandestine following among humans thanks in large part to the intimate apparel ads in the back portion featuring mamono models of nearly every body type. Because of this, the publication was increasingly looked upon by both people and monster girls as almost a dating and matchmaking service between unmarried mamono and human bachelors. At a MHIL fundraising party last year, Volchya had approached Ilassa and managed to convince her to pen a monthly advice column that was part of the MHIL's newsletter. It was quite a coup for Volchya, since Ilassa's word still carried a great deal of credibility with a number of Mamono and subscriptions to MHIL's publication soared even further.

Interestingly, because of the numerous harpy, wyvern and beastmen subscribers, the MHIL preferred to send out a glossy paper periodical to paid subscribers since the aforementioned mamono species had a difficult time using electronic devices. Ilassa had rather slyly discovered that the company providing the paper for the MHIL newsletter was publicly traded and after some consultation with her Danuki financial advisor, she had parked much of her wealth into shares of that company while living quite well off of the dividends, knowing full well that the subscriber list could only expand in a short time.

"I see..." Ilassa sighed. It really was something of a bother, but a promise was a promise. The problem was she couldn't think of much to write about this afternoon.

After a moment's contemplation, inspiration hit her. she asked the werewolf "When is this issue expected to his newsstands, Lady Volchya?"

"Early February, Princess."

A sly grin was on the corner of the succubus princess' lips. "Just before the celebration of Valentine's Day, if I'm not mistaken."

"That is correct, Ilassa-sama." The Jabberwock maid spoke up, holding the tray flat against her taut belly. "The actual holiday falls on the fourteenth day of the second month on the human calendar."

"Thank you, Zmayeva. Lady Volchya...I think I know exactly what my latest column shall be about." Ilassa said as she got up from the lounge chair, stretching her lithe and toned body. The succubus' spade-tipped tail was twitching to and fro as she leaned over to get her towel, draping it across her shoulders.

"Princess?" the werewolf called out as the succubus walked away.

"Fear not, Lady Volchya! You shall have my column by this afternoon's deadline." the arch-succubus replied, her wings and tail not in the least obstructing the view of the seductive way her hips swayed as she walked away.

Several minutes later, Ilassa returned outside with her laptop, sliding a glare reducing screen cover as she started it up.

After a few minute's contemplation, she was satisfied with the headline.

Valentine's Day and The Single Mamono
''As many of you are aware, Valentine's Day is a human celebration of lust, yearning and love. For some it is a chance for couples- both human and mamono- to reaffirm their love for one another, while others will anonymously shower the object of their affection with flowers, sweets, cards, balloons, poems and even jewelry- often watching their beloved's reaction from a distance....''

''Single humans tend to dismiss this holiday as a cynical attempt to artificially inflate sales of cards, flowers and candies. However they change their tune once they find that lover they've been wanting for so long''

Ilassa bit her lower lip. So far so good she said to herself before continuing.

''However, like many humans, a great deal of mamono will be spending this celebration of lust and desire by themselves. But even if you do end up spending Saint Valentine's Day by yourself, fear not! You may still be able to open the door to drawing the attention of a human male that has caught your fancy.''

Taking a sip from her iced tea, Ilassa realized she had to consider her next words rather carefully before continuing.

Instead of resorting to coercive dating.... that was as close as the arch-succubus princess was going to get to writing out 'rape'. a single mamono could borrow a page from human women when it comes to courting a man.

"Oh yes...this is coming along beautifully!" the lilim smiled as the paragraphs began to spring up on her laptop. If anything, she might end up submitting too long an entry for the MHIL column.

Although some might view this as a dishonest tactic, some human women have been able to inspire feelings of jealousy and arousal in the man that they desire by inventing a fictional boyfriend, spurring the man she yearns for into action.

This wasn't something Ilassa herself had firsthand experience with, but if the human romantic and situational comedies were any indicator, then this should be a most effective means of getting attention.

''If you decide to travel this route, your best bet is to make sure that your imaginary suitor is working a job that required near constant travel. It also has to be believable- instead of a pro athlete, this fictional boyfriend could be the team's equipment manager or physical therapist. Instead of telling people you're being actively courted by a movie star, telling them you've met a cameraman or stuntman who's almost constantly away on location. Other credible occupations can include active duty military, Department of Defense Civilian contractor, long-haul truck driver, lumberjack, railway engineer or conductor, smoke-jumper or offshore oil rig worker.''

Ilassa paused to wipe her brow.

Another sip of iced tea as some of the dewy condensation trickled off the side of the glass and onto her alabastrine breasts, which were straining the lilim's bikini top. Ilassa paused long enough to wipe herself off before her slender fingers resumed dancing across the keyboard.

''This ruse is aided greatly by contemporary human technology. If pressed for details on how and when you met your imaginary suitor, you can simply say the two of you met online. Be certain that you and your imaginary suitor have at least some overlapping hobbies or interests as you do however.''

The lilim princess realized that she should probably at least provide a hypothetical example.

''For example- if you work in an office setting or live in an apartment building, you could call your local florist, order a very flamboyant and ostentatious floral arrangement and tell your single male co-workers or neighbors that it's from your boyfriend Sven, who works as a stuntman. If they ask why Sven couldn't join you this Valentine's Day, simply tell them it's because he's on location for a movie shoot in the Canadian Rockies. Many florists also allow you to send a message along with the flowers. Use that opportunity to make the human male who has caught your interest aware of what exactly 'Sven' does that makes you so happy.''

Ilassa pursed her lips, skimming what she had read so far before resuming writing.

''Obviously, 'Sven' is a hypothetical. If you choose to venture down this path, you should change it up a little when coming up with an imaginary suitor- something a little less transparent Sven the globetrotting Stuntman.''

''This method isn't completely without risk, however. As a word of caution, this tactic could end up backfiring on the mamono, as the human male could assume the relationship is now quite serious and may end up distancing himself from you.''

Again, the bikini-clad succubus princess paused to ponder her words on the screen. She figured the last two paragraphs should be a good enough disclaimer.  It's not as though Monster Girls would read only part of the article and then go around telling people about their new beau- Sven the Canadian stuntman, right? she pondered.

May your heads be filled with thoughts of desire, your hearts with thoughts of love the lilim typed out her trademark sign off line.

And a Happy Valentine's Day for you and your future husband!

XOXO

Princess Ilassa

"Aaaaaand.....send!" Ilassa said as she e-mailed her monthly column off to Volchya and the MHIL newsletter's editorial staff.

"All in a day's work!" she sighed contentedly as Zmayeva appeared suddenly with another tray of peach iced tea.

"Well done, Milady." the Jabberwock said.

"Thank you, Lady Zmayeva" Ilassa said as she got up and stretched.

It was time for a few more laps in the pool. Even a powerful arch-succubus had to be careful of Carpal-Tunnel syndrome.