User blog:Party Vanderbilt/Party's What Do Wonders - Baphomet Edition

Archived from the Baphomet page, originally in response to a "What Do You Do" scenario posted by Flodoomable, presented here in mostly unedited form:

"At the local blacksmith you are browsing for weaponry when you see a baphomet with a huge scythe cheerfully walk in asking for the man to sharpen her weapon. Upon hearing no the baphomet points at the man and mumbles something, the blacksmith now happily complies and starts working on her scythe while the baphomet starts browsing along with you.

What do you do?"

-

Oh God. Another mamono that looks like a kid. Remembering my encounter with the dwarf all too clearly, I am terrified. I am well and truly terrified. I keep my back and legs straight, suck in my breath, and keep my head facing straight ahead at the racks. I don't want to piss her off by outright trying to run, but I am, again, terrified.

Though my head is facing straight at the racks, my suddenly huge eyes keep glancing left and down at the ferocious demon perusing the goods beside me. Every few minutes she moves on to the next set of stuff and I scoot a little further to the right. I'm trying to pretend to still be browsing, but I can't be sure that it's working. She doesn't seem to notice, at any rate.

Eventually, though, we come to an end. I'm literally backed into a corner with nowhere to go, as she just keeps eyeing the weapons and even testing a few out. She's getting closer and closer, and I'm having a harder time keeping my composure.

I'm starting to tremble, and I can't quite stop myself from drawing my left arm up to cover my head as I close my eyes tightly, and my left leg up to protect my mid-section. The sweat's starting to flow hard, and my heart's thudding in my chest. There's no way she doesn't hear it. Hell, there's no way the blacksmith doesn't hear it.

She's dead beside me, now, close enough to sneeze on. I'm just waiting for her to hit me or cast a spell or something. She's at the end of the last rack and she starts to sloooooowwwwwwwly turn my way...

"Yer order's ready, Miss!"

Though I don't see it, because my eyes are still sealed tight, the Baphomet bounces a little and claps her hands with a short, "Yay!" and then starts to walk towards the counter. She pays the smith with a pouch of gold and steps out the door.

She's... She's gone?

She's gone!

I'm safe! Ha ha! Once again, quick thinking and a coward's heart have saved the day!

I'm finally able to relax, and I breath an audible sigh of relief as my arm and leg lower. I'm so relieved, in fact, that I fall to my knees and start laughing like a mad-man. It's ov-*dingding*

Wha'? Oh, it's just the bell at the top of the door. The door's being opened, that's a-

"Oh, hey, before I forget. How much for that funny mannequin? The one that keeps moving around?"

...Oh no. Oh no no no no no nononononononononono...

My laughter completely stops and I turn my head in the direction of the store counter. She's... She's dropping a hefty bag of gold on the countertop. Oh no. She's coming my way. I can feel my eyes growing wider and...

And now I'm flat on my stomach with my feet on either side of my head(I didn't even realize I was that flexible), being dragged through the streets by my belt. I'm crying. The baphomet, on the other hand, is as cheerful as anyone at anytime has ever been. Her eyes are closed and her mouth is smiling happily, looking rather like the number "3" flipped over on its back.

People stare and point at my sobbing form as she just marches through the streets, humming a jaunty tune.

"What a pathetic guy," they say amongst themselves. "He just keeps getting manhandled by such tiny people."

Maybe I should give up and move to another town.