Board Thread:What Would You Do?/@comment-25808351-20190120002926/@comment-36855838-20190120025723

I walk up to the guards, and pull my trusty folding chair off my back.

"Howdy, fellas!"

As I take my seat, they turn to face me, and I wave jovially.

I try smiling at them, but I realize too late that I'm still wearing ny helmet.

The first guard to speak is a short man, who carries himself so well he appears taller than his peers.

"Hey, lookit thish guy fellash!"

The second guard to speak is a tall, brutish looking man, his face lined, no doubt, from decades of scowling, his long grey hair is unkempt, but his face is marred by a big, goofy grin, much like those odd wrinkly dogs one often sees.

"Yeh, lookit 'im!"

The third man is young, thin, and of average height, his black hair is slicked back with some kind of oil, and his uniform is the most crisp and well kept.

"He'sh got a biggold, fugginsword, and, a, a lot a, uhh-"

The brute chimes bach in.

"'E's got armor, 'E 'as!"

I look at my plate armor, painted with subtle greens and caked carefully with dry mud, clay, and leaves.

The first guard chimes in.

"Ann, he looksh lika, lika plant!"

The fourth guard is a woman, made obvious by the swelling in her uniform none of the other guards have, and her pectoral crest is stretched beyond belief as she puffs herself out, laughing like a loony.

"Hahahahahahahhah! Ya lookin at me? Ya lookin?!"

I promptly decide to avoid looking at her unless necessary, and see her start chowing down on sme odd fruit as she flops down next to the Kobold.

"Are you lot torturing this poor girl? I'd think you'd be better than that, being city guards and all!"

The woman speaks again.

"Well, yesh we would shweetie, bu- y'see, we got nothin' to do, 'caushe we don't never get troublesh 'round 'ere, an' so we're bored ash all HELL!" The brute chimes in,

"And whadda we shee?"

She continues,

"We shpotsh a big ol' doggaroo, wit' floppy earsh, and boobies!"

The first guard giggles.

"Boobiesh!"

The thin one interrupts.

"An' sho, we thought, let'sh go feel the magnificent doggy titsh, but then, we remembered-"

"We ain't shupposhed to be touchin' the monshter doggiesh!"

The woman speaks up again.

"An' sho we shtarted drinkin' shome more, an' thinkin how we'd get her boobiesh jigglin' without touchin' 'er."

Skinny spoke,

"And that's when I-"

"And then Harold says, he says, throw yer meat at her titties!"

"-I did'n't say it like tha', Damian! I said ta put yerr meatstick in 'er boobs!"

"Well, tha's against th' rules, so how'd we get to this?"

"I did it! I had a stick o' meat, an' I threw it first!"

"Oh, tha's right Maggie!

"Ahem!"

They all shut up.

---

"You know, this is very awful of you lot."

They all look at each other.

"Could you let tge poor gal go?"

"Nah, monsters've gotta be killed, we jus' wanted a bit o' fun firs-"

Shink.

His head toppled to the dirt road.

"Anybody else feel like killing the doggy today?"

The others looked at my sword, coated in black blood.

I waited, until they all hoisted their weapons.

The woman held a gnarled staff, her hands sweaty and shaky.

She closed her eyes, and began to chant a spell, so I hurled a gob of mud into ger mouth, silencing her.

The scrawny one rushed me with needles, trying to skewer the gaps in my armor.

I de-knee-capitated him quickly, and then cut off his head.

The skinny guy ran, so I hurled my sword through his left leg, and then cut off his head.

Damn amateurs, you grant slow, torturous deaths, while I grant mercifully quick on-

A smell blasted me to the forest floor, my back now naked.

-oh shit!

The spellcaster stood, eyes screwed closed.

Her legs were rubbing together, and a deluge of fluid flowed down her clothes.

"D-damn, I need more mana!"

She pulled out another frui-

Oh.

Oh.

Shit, I killed her man.

As she took another bite, she collapsed onto the road, convulsing and moaning.

I ran up and cut the leash.

"Alright doggy, GO TIME!"

I hurled her over my shoulder, snatched up my chair, and booked it for town.

A few minutes later, we reached a stable, a man stood nearby, tending a horse.

"Sir! How much for your fastest horse?!"

He gave me a puzzled look.

"Eighty Coronas."

I almost punched him.

---

I jumped on the horse, and soon we were on our way.

"Pleasure doin' business with ya!"

He chuckled as he returned to tending his remaining horses.

---

"Yah!"

The horse had been run ragged, but we had bassed through the city and on to the next in a mere afternoon.

Then, a sound came.

"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

She looked me in the eyes.

"We're screwed."

I looked ahead at the road, seeing the gates of the town already closed for the night.

"Yep."