Thread:LorialetDreamer/@comment-37028137-20200307192347/@comment-32042142-20200309204455

Sorry for the wait, I had been busy IRL. (Sorry for the wall of text)

One of the main point I want to cover, is that you seem to have a pretty complex universe in mind when you writed your story, not only that, but you rightfully apply the "Don't tell it, show it", you never (or very rarely) stop the narration to explain something with extra exposition, you just let the story show how things work, and it's a verty good things.

However, there is in a short time, a lot of elements that are introduced, the TARDIS and everything related, the space/time travel, right after you are introduced to more characters that are some kind of angels, while some things are explained, there is a lot of thing I had a hard time getting my head around.

Don't get me wrong, I am certain that all those concepts are well explained and used later, but the beginning just throw so much different concepts at you, not that much, but I managed to get lost pretty quick, maybe it's just me.

I'm going to be more specific now : Sorry if I only mention the bad points, I'm bad at commenting story, and you asked whats discourage me to read your story. :/

In the chapter 6, there is some kind of battle, it's quite the mess really, and I don't blame you as battle involving several characters are really hard to write.

Firstly, we know there is witchs and that the protagonists are in a bad position hidden behind carts, but it's never really mentionned how many witches there is, are they all at once or coming one by one, even the way they attack is never specfied except one time when one try to stab Nick. Are they all only using dagger? Then why are they hidding behind carts? Wouldn't they use fireball and magic then? Wouldn't the cart be useless and quickly destroyed then? And why the angel are using gun and no magic?

I know all those questions have probably answers, you seem to perfectly know what you are doing with your universe, but the fact is that as a reader I have very few understanding of what's happening in this chapter.

For the rest I am more going to concentrate on the coherence, since after that I didn't saw any flaw at all in the narration, and as I say previously, I completly understand that the battle scene was complicated to write.

In the second part of the chapter 6, Nick finally use his magic to clear out the way, then he find his way to the portal, and there is a lot to unpack here: He will not find any witches in the corridors leading to the portal or near the portals itself, the portal activate and begin to expand when he enter (fair enought, I will assume there was a delay for it's activation), to destroy the city/country/world.

I may be pernickety here  but : Did all the witches just rush at them? None of them stay in the portal room to guard it or activate the portal? I will guess they had planned to teleport before the portal activate, or else it would just be suicide.

I have a hard time understanding the plan of the witch : They set a ritual to create a portal to destroy this world/country, then they purposel led the 4 protagonist so they could get killed as well by the portal (I guess, otherwise they would had no reason to not be sneaky about it). The protagonists arrived too early, what did they do? Attack them instead of running away to avoid the portal expand? I don't understand what whas there plan here, the fact they set up the portal dosen't mean the know they can't face them? Fighting them: if they lose they die, if they win, wich is unlikey, they woudln't have time to teleport away and will die.

In all honesty, I guess it's possible to make sense out of this, but it feel really convenient, it felt like they lead them to their place just to give them a chance to stop them.

My other big issue is Nick powers, the limit of his power won't stop changing. He seem to have a hard time against the witchs, but then he litteraly teleport away a portal but it seem to cost him his life... Until he dind't, once to the other side he is alive, not in the better shape, but alive.

After that he apparently have a very convenient power that allow him to tell him who is the bad guys and who is the good guys, he take down the soldiers pretty easily, while it didn't sound so easy against the witches. And after all that, he is taken down by a simple stab in the chest... A simple stab in the chest... I know you could argue he is tired after all what he went throught before, but he didn't show any sign of tiredness fighting the soldiers. There is also the fact he seem more than experienced, but did not check that all the enemies were neutralized before helping the lilim. All in all, the way he actually lost consciousness seem really convenient and not really well brought.

I am not going to mention the fact there is no reason for the lilim for being the damsell in distress, since it's obvious there is more to it.

For the chapter after, the Demon say he will probably die, but then he immedialty wake up, she din't saw his condiiton stabilize? I know he is a supernatural being and all but even there..

Sorry if it look like I am extremly negative about your story, it just generally feel that way when I comment about someone work. But basically, a lot of elements are clumsily bringed and of things seem lazy, just here to be convenient. I think mostly about his power to litteraly see who is good and who is bad. Not only it is alway annoying to see the order depicted at the bland bad guys, while they are not necessarily evil, but it's just kill all the tention between the characters : He is throwed into another world, he have to decide which side he will take, knowing no one can he trust anyone? He know nothing, he have to trust the informations other tell him but he don't know there intents. It's especially interessing in MGE since The Order aren't the bad guys, they actually have the best intentions, so the conflict is especially interessing. Well here there is none of that, the characters can instantly tell who is the good guys, who is the bad guys, hejoin the good guys side and that's about it.

To be fair that's a lot of assumption here, and your characters still seem to have doubts, but the whole aura thing where he can just tell who is good who is bad... It's just lazy and ultra convenient, it really kill a tention that should be present...

Sorry for the wall of text, I didn't except to be that long, alos sorry if I sound very negative, your story isn't bad, I just went in details in severals elements that, as a whole, combined together, really discourage me to continue reading the story.

It's not a bad story at all, I really don't want to feel offensive or insulting, I'm just a picky I guess. ^^"