User blog comment:DarkTreeant/The 18 Inch Curse: Prologue/@comment-27235572-20150119042851

I have to admit it's interesting, but here's the thing. For a prologue, it seems pretty rushed to be. I don't understand the premise of the story. Why exactly is he leaving?

Another things: please use more colorful language. Saying 'boobs' all the time instead of breasts or knockers for some sentences offers little variety.

Why do you keep on switching perspectives? Examples include "Sten blushes" compared to "Naomi grabbed". Please make up your mind regarding which way you want to write your story.

I suggest fleshing it out a bit more and adding a bit more variety. Remember this rule: Once someone speaks in a paragraph, no one can reply until the next paragraph.

Finally, the romance is simply a bit unrealistic, even for a sexually-dominated world. Declaring to get married at 15 to a girl for no plausible reason (in the fic) makes me feel like something is rotten in the state of Denmark.

Sorry for being harsh, but I'm a daughter of teachers. I learned from a young age how to be extremely critical of writing and other work. Sorry if my reply does not reach your expectations, but I do expect you to edit and improve this work. If not, I will be sorely disappointed.

Sincerely,

MamonoGal1311