User blog comment:Unstaible child/the path to lascartie. revised/@comment-1826623-20160829055852

(Don't take any of this personally. I'm simply reviewing as objectively as possible. Also, I'm very frustrated with myself for trusting technology to post my first two attempts at a review; it's been a long 2 hours here...)

I usually have low standards when reading fanfiction, so I initially thought that I would be reading a hot mess. I'm glad to see that I was wrong...tenfold. This is a decent story with a strong foundation to it. The reclamation of Lescatie is a much-speculated event in the MGE Universe, so the possibilities that you have to establish a plot are endless. You made an excellent choice in choosing this setting for your story, and I'm impressed with how far you went with it. I found the characters you have quite enjoyable as it's simple to distinguish them from each other. Sana, Gaston, and Renrock are all interesting, and I'm curious to find out more about them all. It seemed that you focused a bit more on Sana in particular, which is not bad since most readers enjoy an 'action girl' in stories. Her emotions were easy-to-follow, which made it more immersive for the reader to step into that role rather than describe it. The angst towards Gaston's concern, her anxiety about Renrock, and her willfulness to stay by Gaston's side are all very powerful points that you make in Sana's character. Gaston and Renrock are no different as I also felt their respective thoughts about the others. It's amazing how much more your work improves when you give readers the chance to actively participate in it.

Now, those were all of the compliments I have to give. Unfortunately, I must now follow tradition and give you my criticisms. First off, I was rather disappointed in the grammar structure in this chapter. There's stray punctuation in many places, dialogue is randomly mixed in with the narration, and at times it feels awkward to read through. The punctuation is my biggest issue here, though since it more-or-less dictates how quickly readers are able to comprehend what they've just read. For myself, I managed to read through 5 sentences before things started getting hazy. The part that begins with, 'the nations who shied away..." is just a phrase and leaves an unifinished thought in the reader's mind. This in turn will slow down the reader's pace and cause he/she to lose interest in the story as a whole. I managed to figure out what you wanted to convey, but that may not be the case for other readers, who would possibly just drop the story altogether because they have hit a wall. I would suggest asking other authors about their advice for story structure and compare it how your own. It's somewhat rough now, but it doesn't take much effort to refine it. I also ask that you please try to keep dialogue separate from narration to create a more orderly and simple structure. My second concern is the transition between character viewpoints. Since you have very distinct personalities present in the major characters, it is essential that you have a smooth flow between them to avoid confusing the reader. The way you have it is basic, leving each veiwpoint just enough of a note to end on before switching to a different character. This leaves readers in somewhat of a daze, causing a loss of interest and understanding. All that I would suggest is a more of 'cliffhanger' of sorts so that it feels more comfortable to adopt a new perspective in the story.

That's more-or-less all I have to say about this chapter. I'm an easy man to please, so it's not at all an overly negative review. In fact, I'm curious about how deep this plot goes and what kinds of directions it can take on. The potential you have for this work is great, and I'm hoping that you use it. With just a little bit of refinement and some minor assistance from others, this story could easily become a popular read around the wiki. :)