User blog:SmartProtagonist/My Vote. immean WWYD.

I blinked.

“I need some coffee before I can make these fucking large scale decisions...” I moped, stomping off to the kitchen. I opened the fridge, and just as I pulled out some milk, the bloody doorbell rang.

“Chrissakes,” I hissed under my breath, going and opening the door.

I saw a Crow Tengu with a letter, which she promptly dropped at me feet and flew off.

I picked it up.

SETTLE IN COURT.

Ripping it up and putting it in the trash, I went to the garage to check my Tesla car. An hour to full charge. Damn. I was going to have to stall.



I sat in the middle of the courtroom, where the convicted would normally sit awaiting death sentence. Technically, if I played my cards right, I could escape unscathed.

On the Monster side, sat a Lilim, a Demon, and a Succubus.

On the Order side, a Hero, a Paladin, and a Knight.

And in the stands, dozens of men and monsters.

Shit. Well, I decided to start. I was smarter than all of these idiots combined, so. Here we go.

“Can’t one side just agree?” I asked aloud. There was almost stunned silence.

“The Monsters want to corrupt this city a d drag it down to absolute debauchery!” shouted a man from the stands.

“The Order only wishes to kill us all and conquer this city!” hollers an Arachne from the crowds. It took a while to get everyone to shut the hell up.

Alright, that didn’t work. So, onto plan two.

“Why don’t you just compromise?” I wondered aloud.

The Order hero rook his massive claymore and threw it so hard, it stuck in the table a half inch from my wrist, me at the buisness end of the blade.

“I will NOT allow MONSTERS GO RUN RAMPANT IN THIS PLACE!” he shouted. “NEVER!”

The Lilim also threw her blade and it speared the chair, just missing my neck.

“WE WILL NOT TOLERATE THOUGHTLESS KILLING! TAKE THAT SUGGESTION, and shove it up your ASS!” she boomed.

The began to ramble on again, before I halted them.

“Seeing as none of you can agree on a single decision and no side will back down, you’re going to have to bribe me.”

“Pardon?” asked the Paladin in disbelief.

“Excuse me? questioned the Succubus, gaping.

“Yep, seeing as I’m between a rock and a hard place, whoever can give me the best shit wins. Go!”

“W-w-we can give you one tonne of pure, glistering gold,” stammered the Knight. “No qualms. Do we have your vote?”

I looked towards the monsters expectantly. “It’s going to be a short election if you don’t get in gear...”

“Two tonnes!” said the Demon. “We can give you two tonnes! Those conniving Order bastards don’t POSSIBLY have two tonnes. They’re too poor even to feed their people, how can they get TWO TONNES of gold?”

There was a murmer of approval through the monster crowd, while the men looked on in disgust.

“Please,” muttered the Paladin, “We sit upan the biggest gold vein in the world! We can get you ten tonnes of gold! A hundred! A thousand! A hundred thousand! Nothing is too much!”

The Lilim pursed her lips. “We can get you jewels, though, human, tonnes of jewels, as many as you want!”

I looked on with a smug grin. “Ooh, boy, Orders gonna have to step up their game, eh?”

They fumed.


 * an hour later.*

“WE CAN GET YOU YOUR OWN ARMY,” shrieked the Order hero, lightningnmagic crackling in his palms.

“WE CAN GET YOU A HAREM! AS MANY AS YOU PLEASE,” roared the Lilim, dark magic wisping from her eyes and horns.

“Please, please, calm down,” I said, reaching into my pocket and pressing anbutton on my Tesla car keys. “How about advanced payment?”

Both sides wrote up a cheque for 1.5 million dollars and threw them at me.

“Yeesh, calm down,” I hissed. That made them snap.

“HOW CAN WE CALM DOWN WHEN THESE... THESE FUCKING DEMONIC TWAT CUNTS KEEP ON TRYING TO DRAG YOU, EXALTED SIR, TO THE DARK SIDE?!?!”

“US!?! YOU ARE THE ONES TRYING TO KILL US YOU HOLY BAND OF FUCKING WHORES! THIS GENTLEMAN IS CLEARLY VOUCHING FOR US!!”

“Nah,” I tittered, standing up. “I’m going for the car.”

Both the Lilim and the Hero stood up at once. “NEVER! YOU MAY NOT LEAVE UNTIL YOU VOTE!”

A bright grey Tesla blasted the door open, on self-driving mode, crashed through some bokcases, and skidded to a stop in front of me. I got in.

“GET OUT AT ONCE!” shouted the Hero.

“VOTE RIGHT NOW!” shouted the Lilim.

I simply shut the door, hit the gas (well, electricity) and noped it right the hell out of there, dropping a slip of paper in the ballot box, breaking a fire hydrant, and speeding off.

The Lilim and Hero both walked up and took the ballot box opened it, and saw the vote.

Monsters for days, bre

I was in the next town by then, and still going. But, I could hear the angry bellows of a thousand Order soldiers echo through the lands, a distant memory.