Thread:Doctor Ibrahim/@comment-28530195-20170910220828/@comment-28358106-20170911154038

My Dear Lord Jaghund,

''I hope this letter finds you in good health and high cheer. I shall assume that if you are reading it, or at the very least, having it read to you, you have recovered from your soireé of the previous evening. If you are unsure of the actual date to which I am referring  (and it would not surprise me, given your state during the aforementioned soireé) I have included it in the header at the topmost part of this letter. ''

''That being said, you will not remember what happened. Perhaps this is for the best. The Elven Consulate will not speak of it. However, it may cheer you to know that the Dwarves have petitioned to the Office of Census Assizes that they wish to have the date indicated marked to be recognized as a National Holiday. More specifically, they wish the holiday to be named, 'The Day That Jaghund Bastard Knocked Over The Bell Tower When He Was Really Bloody Snookered.'  The also desire a monument erected of you in said act. ''

''Unfortunately, this cannot be done, not the least of which is due to the fact that we do not erect nude statuary in public places, no matter their feats of strength might warrant. Specifically, in this case, you had made a bet, it seems, with Lord Fjorr. The bet, I am told, was to see what damage might be inflicted on a certain structure. In this case, Lord Fjorr had mentioned that the Bell Tower was a potent "phallic symbol.  A giant dong that bongs." You said, it was claimed, that you did not desire to "have a larger dick in town than your own." And thus, down it came. ''

''This, of course, brings me to the bell tower. ''

''I understand that you must feel terrible about having destroyed such a beautiful structure. I shall make absolutely no mention of how it was several hundred years old, or its magnificent frescoes, sculpted in the style of the great Dwarven Shaperate masters, or its silver filigree stained glass windows, imported from the last White Haven of the Elves when it fell to the Radical Faction. I certainly will say nothing of its magnificent silver bell, which had rung every hour on the hour, for the entire duration of its tenure. I will not include in my report how, it was said, you had attempted to Mamonoize the bell after it had come down, by attempting to make love to it. You were, I am told, attempting to "make baby bells." ''

''I shall never impinge on your honor by mentioning such things. ''

''Regardless, we come to the issue at hand. As you can imagine, while this episode has delighted many Dwarves to no end, it has upset many more. That is to say, everyone else in the city's entirety. ''

''I have consulted with several sources; metallurgists, sculptors, historians, artisans, artificers, assayers, city planners, and masons. The tower, in its entirety, was valued at six hundred seventy million Marks. A sum, I am sure you understand, that cannot be placed as mere monetary value on its rich history with our beloved nation. ''

''You understand, I'm sure. ''

''I felt that you should be made aware of the circumstances in which you undoubtedly found yourself upon awakening. I wish you all the best. ''

''My heartiest congratulations to your Second Wife, and her child-to-be. You must bring her to the Capitol when she is born. My husband and I would love to meet her.''

Most Sincerely, I Remain Yours,

Lady Adelaide Grey 

Regent Ad Dominamini Unice

''Postscript:  We shall be most grateful if you should find it in your heart to return the silver bell. It is, I believe, still at the bottom of your bog, behind your manse. ''