User blog comment:Drkness231/Mamono One-Shots S2! Chapter 19: Anubis/@comment-216.58.48.26-20150711023012

>suspense and punchline perfectly handled

The hell are you going on about? They talk in the room, she turns out to not be a human. In fact, she's an anubis. Big whoop.

Your lunch scene is bland. The banter between the guy and the girl is unnatural; you literally have them saying stuff like "bitch" to each other after giving next to no time for the reader to get a sense of what their relationship is like. It's forced and pretty clear that you're just trying to get the plot moving along as fast as possible, which isn't a bad thing. But you're leaving a lot of helpful details out in your race to hit that finish line, a shitty line about cosplay. It works as just that, an observation, not the entire fucking payoff to a scene that has so far been unsatisfying.

Related to the forced dialogue, you do much too much telling rather than showing. This is evident from the paragraph where you awkwardly try to shove his dislike of his parents into the story. This detail has absolutely no relevance to the story and breaks reading flow and immersion. Same shit with your dialogue. Don't have characters screaming "most importantly, I hate you!!1". No one talks like that. Give the characters some room to breath, live. Show it in their actions. Have the girl grind her teeth, slam her fist on the table, throw her lunch tray at the shitty main character; anything but "I feel this way about you".

Your style's passable, but you don't pay enough attention to your dialogue/characters and pay too much attention to parts of the story that don't fucking matter. People don't read these stories for life-affecting morals; they read them for the interactions between monsters and humans that emotionally affect them.

The text brings out their feels. It does not decide it for them.