Talk:Monster Girls/@comment-37028137-20200120063351

Greetings everyone,

I hope everyone is doing well, and that the new year is shaping up nicely. It's been rather a massive inspiration for me and in fact I wanted to get opinions on an excerpt of my novel.

In this piece which I'll put below Nicholas is railing against his assumed short comings specifically his disability. (He has Cerebral Palsy like I do. There really aren't enough well written characters with disabilities let alone CP in my opinion so I gave one of the main characters a disability to try and Humanize the condition.)

At this point Nicholas is in a fairy dark spot he created a serum to erase the physical signs of his disability but it's failing him. Not only that but he's realized what the chief god is up to and that she hurt some very close people too him. He's angry, and he's scared, and he's inconsolable. I've had many of these one sided conversations thoughout my life so it comes from a very real place, even though there are mystical elements, and magic sprinkled in. Just a warning there is also some sparse coarse language.

I really would like to know what you folks think about it and how it makes you feel. Is it deep enough or too dark? How did you react to it? Or did you? Let me know and I'll leave the excerpt below.

I trudged off down the hallway until I made it to a restroom, slipping inside I closed and locked the door behind myself. Luckily there was no one about, and I ran the tap on the sink to drown out the noise of what was to come. My lips curled into a snarl as I watched the mirror reflect the deterioration of my form as my disorder clawed its way to the surface. Taken over by sickness and fatigue my body began to cannibalize itself. The bones in my ribcage began to snap and break, pressing into my flesh and reverting to an emaciated frame. My right arm lost its dexterity becoming a twisted spindly husk, with stiffened curled fingers. Likewise my left arm had wasted away to a bony, attenuated extremity capable of only the slowest movements. Each of my legs themselves prey to my affliction waned in their ability to hold me aloft as atrophy glutted itself upon the sinews and muscles. I felt my knees creak and bend under the strain, to which they could not rally a defense and they gave way to the inevitable with an agonizing '''CRACK! '''My body tumbled to the cold tile of the bathroom floor and I lay there sprawled on the hard surface for what felt like ages. “…Ow…” I rolled over onto my side the air escaping my lips with a grunt of pain as I did so. I was tired, in body and spirit, it hurt to move, to even breathe. I wanted to stay where I was at least for a time. It was cool on the floor, numbing the ache in my bones.

As much as I wanted to rest I could not, I had a job to do. Hissing through my teeth in exertion I gripped the edge of the sink mantle and hoisted myself back into a semi stable standing position. I offset my now worthless legs by leaning on the counter for support and grimaced at what was reflected in the mirror. A cadaverous, tired face with sunken glassy eyes stared back at me and my normally dark onyx hair had become raggedy and muted. The rest of my body in a similar fashion was gaunt, with all manner of protruding bones and pallid flesh. My once overly snug, restrictive uniform now sagged about my shoulders akin to a burial shroud. I hated the tired visage that sneered back at me; I loathed my ungainly frail form unremedied by birth, but most of all I detested the barrier of fear my disability engendered in others. That was why the serum was necessary, that was why I had created it all those ages before! Yet even for all its complexity and fail safes it had begun to lose its effectiveness in treating my condition! It was taking more frequent doses at higher potency to achieve the same results! What amounts had lasted days in the past, now offered only hours.

“Why? Why this? Why did I draw this lot in life? How come I had to be the broken puppet?! Why did I get to clean up these messes?! Couldn’t I just be normal?!” I chuckled slightly but there was no mirth in my voice’s timbre. “I used to think you had a plan that you cared, I even thought this…” I gestured at my broken, sullied body as I glared back into my reflection “…I thought there was a strength in this! That I was made this way to see what no one else could or would, to help those that everyone else had left alone. Hmm, childish idealism, one of your finer, more ensnaring poisons. Then, The War came, you added more and more, you just wouldn’t quit! But I held out hope when no one else did! See how long it takes to break us huh? But that wasn’t enough oh no, millions dead, thousands displaced, my friends and family…gone. Marcus, Carson, Janet, Alistair, even my Ana.” My head fell into my hands on instinct as the memories flooded through my mind, so long ago and it still hurt as if had been mere moments. “I hear you’re even revered in this world too, your lecherous self, laid bare at last! It wasn’t bad enough that you ran amok in my Universe you set yourself up here and the cycle of bloodshed begins anew. You even got yourself a snazzy new title ‘chief god’ this time very well done indeed! Not just ‘god’ but chief, really shooting for the rafters there aren’t we you sanctimonious bitch?!” I looked back at the mirror, noting my broken beaten body a totem of ‘her work’ and the chilly silence that pervaded the air. “Say something!” A snarl of rage twisted my already sickened face and I threw my left hand outward, fingers outstretched. Golden lightning zipped from my hand smashing the mirror into thousands of shards and arcing across the overhead lights causing sparks to flare. Anger took me in full and I let the lightning go where it would, smashing and splintering the doors on the stalls, ripping the tiles from the floor, shearing the mantle of the sink in half, and leaving scorched craters in the brickwork of the walls. “Damn you! …damn you...”

As always thank you for your feedback in advance and I do apologize if this made anyone uncomfortable.

Cheers,

The Weary TimeLord.