User blog:CursedItemMerchent/Living With Lizards

It was a baking hot day, common of the central part of the Reptile Kingdom. This thought of course did little to help me as the sweat poured off my body as I hurried home from work. I was racing to make it home before the sun set fully. After all any single man stupid enough to be wandering around at night deserved to fall prey to the nocturnal mamono.

I finally reached my sanctuary and flung open the door only to find something very wrong. One of the nice things about living the bachelor lifestyle is the distinct lack of chores. After all there is no one to complain about them but me. Therefore, my living room generally was a mess with food containers, dirty clothes and other rubbish lying about.

Yet tonight it was empty. Not a dirty rag or wad of paper in sight. There didn’t seem to be a molecule out of place. Initially I thought that I had entered someone else’s house by mistake, but my key worked and a quick glance confirmed that this was indeed my house. Then a delightful scent tickled my nose.

Following its trail I entered the kitchen to find a wonderful looking plate of homemade orange chicken, covered in plastic wrap. Tentatively I stuck the tip of my little finger in the dish and gave it a taste. You never can be too careful when dealing with mamono after all. Delicious!

This however only served to confirm my fears. I searched my first floor to find how it had gotten in, and found to my surprise that my screen door was wide open. I must have had one too many while enjoying the firepit last night and left the door open.

Quickly, I shut the door and grabbed a flashlight from one of the kitchen drawers so I wouldn’t give my position away and went on the hunt for it.

As I had already cleared the first floor I stealthily made my way to the second making sure to skip the one creaky step I never got around to fixing. Clearing each room I drew closer and closer to the place I was sure it would be: My bedroom.

I threw open the door and shone the flashlight into the space. There up on the ceiling I was rewarded with two large flashing eyes proving my theory correct: my house had a Maid Gecko.

The mamono was farily short. Had she been standing instead of stuck to the ceiling she would have barely come up to my shoulders and like most Reptile Kingdom mamono she had lizard like features with a long thin tail and fine scales that  glistened to the light.

She had a bit of fat to her which was unusual for mamono, but this only served to add to her curves and allowed her to fill out the frilly green and white Repttile Kingdom maids dress. He light brown hair was done up in a long ponytail which was carefully stuffed into her belt so it wouldn’t fall down when she was upside down like now.

Squealing she noticed me. “Master you’re home!” Detaching from the ceiling she made an inhuman flip and flung herself at me. Luckily, I barely managed to miss the round pads at the end of her long fingers. Like with most mamono once you get within cuddling distance it’s all over. This is even truer for the Maid Geckos whose hands and feet are covered in a substance that is so strong it allows them to climb walls.

“Out!” I screamed before she had a chance to embrace me.

Her beaming face fell instantly and her lip began to tremble. “”but, but master…”

“I’m not your master.” I shot back. “Look I know I left a door open last night and your kind views this as an invitation, but I was drunk and didn’t mean it. I don’t want a maid or a lover, please leave.”

Her entire body seemed to deflate. She slowly left dragging her lifeless tail behind her. With one final glance at me she shut the door.

I gave her a few minutes to leave, then checked the entire house to make sure she was gone. After all careless men end up married.

<p class="MsoNormal">Then I went downstairs and popped her orange chicken into the microwave. She had made it with my ingredients and it was good enough that wasting it would be a crime.

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<p class="MsoNormal">I came downstairs for breakfast to find a familiar face. The Gecko had attached herself to the outside of my sliding glass door. It was obvious that she was trying the standard mamono method of finding a mate by striking a sexy pose. However, it seemed like she had no real idea of how to do it other than pressing her body against the glass. After all pressing your face against the glass makes you look creepy not cute.

<p class="MsoNormal">With one swift motion I pulled the curtain closed and tried to enjoy my breakfast despite the quiet sobbing from the other side of the glass.

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<p class="MsoNormal">I had a lovely day working at the Royal Demonic Beast Reserve only to come home to the Gecko’s latest antics.

<p class="MsoNormal">Right next to my homes steps was a large cardboard box. I guess my neighbors had gotten a new dishwasher or something.

<p class="MsoNormal">Sitting in the box was the Gecko with a sign around her neck. It said in impeccable scrolling handwriting: “Maid- Free to good home.” Given how the lizard looked up at me it was clear whose “good home” she had in mind. She stared at me and gave me the puppy eyed treatment.

<p class="MsoNormal">Unfortunately for her I don’t really like puppies, so I just walked past her and slammed the door.

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<p class="MsoNormal">The next morning I was running late. Somehow I had managed to sleep in despite buying the loudest alarm clock in the store.

<p class="MsoNormal">I bolted my breakfast and ran past the Maid Gecko sleeping on my stoop.

<p class="MsoNormal">One of the great things about the Reptile King is that he made the buses run on time. Of course that means that they have a schedule to keep and can’t wait for any sleepy heads. The bus pulled out right as I got there.

<p class="MsoNormal">This led me to be in a pickle. While the reserve isn’t too far from my house, it was on the other side of a ridge. If I went around it like the bus, I was sure to be late. I trembled. My boss was a Komodo. Who knows what she would do to me if I was late? I might even get bitten.

<p class="MsoNormal">My only hope was a valley I had found the other day while hiking. If I pushed it I could barely make it. I would be hot and sweaty, but it would be worth it.

<p class="MsoNormal">Unfortunately, it was not to be. As soon as I entered the valley a deep sensuous voice called out to me. “Well what do we have here?”

<p class="MsoNormal">I turned to look and felt all the blood drain from my face. Of all the things I could have encountered a Tyranno was one of the worst.

<p class="MsoNormal">She was eight feet tall and loomed over me. Her gigantic frame rippled with tons of sleek muscles. Her arms appeared to be rather small, but that was only because they were of regular size, on an oversize frame. Large scales started at her elbows and worked its way to claws at the end. It even looked rather dainty, but I knew that like any mamono, her fists would be much stronger than any human. Her legs became reptilian as they reached the knee ending in claws that could squash a cat flat, instead of feet. Behind her, her large tail was wagging as if she had found something interesting.

<p class="MsoNormal">The massive mamono backed me against a tree. Her grin exposed rows and rows of sharp teeth. While I knew that her claws and teeth would only damage my spirit energy and not kill, she could still beat me to a pulp. I started to shake.

<p class="MsoNormal">This served only to stimulate the Tyranno’s predatory instincts even more. I could feel her scorching hot drool drip down onto me. “It’s been so boring here since I set up my territory in this valley. Then you come along. I have been itching to fight. Are you ready?”

<p class="MsoNormal">“Well that’s a problem.” I said nervously. “I’m just a normal guy and really am no good at fighting.”

<p class="MsoNormal">“That’s all right.” She smirked. “If you can’t fight then you’ll just be my punching bag!”

<p class="MsoNormal">She raised her fist to hit me but was interrupted by a high pitched scream.

<p class="MsoNormal">“LEAVE MY MASTER ALONE!”

<p class="MsoNormal">There standing at the mouth of the valley was the tiny Maid Gecko. Her body was trembling as she faced this apex predator. However, her eyes shone with determination as she clutched her rolling pin.

<p class="MsoNormal">The Tyranno just blinked twice. Her fiery orange slitted eyes going wide in shock that this diminutive lizardman dare talk back to her. “Fine” She raised her claws in submission. “I’ll go.”

<p class="MsoNormal">The Tyranno made to leave the valley but as she was passing the Gecko “NOT!” She spun in a circle slamming her tail into the Gecko. The Gecko was sent flying slamming into trees and underbrush. Bleeding and bruised the Gecko barely managed to doge a blow that would have pulverized her. The tree that she had landed on was not so lucky.

<p class="MsoNormal">The fight went on for several more minutes. While the Gecko took one or two more tail strikes the Tyranno was unable to take her down. The maid’s attempts to poke the Tyranno in the eye with her rolling pin were equally ineffective though. It became clear that with every passing second the Tyranno became more and more frustrated. After four minutes of this the Tyranno invoked her greatest and only magic: transformation.

<p class="MsoNormal">The Tyranno were originally massive creatures of destruction. While under the current demon lord they did obtain their forms as lovely ladies their immense power allowed them to regain their monstrous form at will.

<p class="MsoNormal">The Tyranno grew to become a gigantic lizard forty feet tall. While it was true that she had comically short arms, this was more than offset by the gigantic mouth full of a cutlery stores worth of sharp, sharp, teeth.

<p class="MsoNormal">Just one look at the massive carnivore set off all sorts of primal warnings in the back of my brain. It was screaming at me “RUN! This is something you can’t hope to beat!” Yet my feet were frozen in place due to fear.

<p class="MsoNormal">The beast gave a massive roar that made me feel like my ears would burst. My legs turned to jelly and I fell onto my knees almost as if I was worshiping this horrible Queen of Lizards. I felt sure I was going to die.

<p class="MsoNormal">The Maid Gecko however stood firm. While she was rocked by the blast, she rode it out like a ship on a storm tossed sea. While it was designed to terrify us the Tyranno made a huge mistake in taking her ancient form. It was definitely a dangerous body, but it was designed to take on creatures that were of similar size. Trying to fight the maid was like trying to hit a mosquito with a sledgehammer. Her small size and speed allowed her to doge the Tyranno’s strikes with ease.

<p class="MsoNormal">There was another problem for the tyrant queen. At this great difference in size the Tyranno was just a huge wall of meat, and Geckos climb walls.

<p class="MsoNormal">The Tyranno squealed in anger. Rushing against trees she tried to scrape the Gecko off. While she was scratched all over and her lovely green dress reduced to rags she doggedly held on. It’s almost impossible to break a Geckos grip or determination.

<p class="MsoNormal">She eventually reached the summit of the Tyranno peak relatively unharmed. The Gecko took out her rolling pin and began bashing the Tyranno on the head. “Leave… My… Master… Alone!” On her final strike the pin shattered into a thousand pieces.

<p class="MsoNormal">I don’t think the Gecko actually did any damage, but either way it was clear the Tyranno was pissed. She gave a great roar and tried to smash the Gecko into paste.

<p class="MsoNormal">This turned out to be her greatest mistake of the day. As her rage blinded her she didn’t pay any attention to where she was going so she hit the side of the valley head first. 7 tons of Tyranno met 100,000 tons of mountain with predictable results. She was knocked out instantly and a bunch of rocks came crashing down on her head. Heck, for all knew or cared she might even be dead.

<p class="MsoNormal">Thankfully the Gecko had jumped off before the impact and hence had avoided pancakeification. She staggered to her feet. Battered and bruised all over with countless cuts she stood tall. In her tattered dress she raised the splinter that was left of her rolling pin high as if it was a sword saluting the sky. For a brief second she resembled nothing more than a noble lizardman warrior that were her ancestors before they became maids. Then she wobbled and I was barely able to catch her before she collapsed.

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<p class="MsoNormal">It took the Gecko fifteen minutes before she became conscious again. She seemed to be quite flustered that I was carrying her on my back.

<p class="MsoNormal">“Wuh, Wuh, Wuh! What are you doing master? Your back’s going to get dirty. What about work?”

<p class="MsoNormal">I snorted. “My back got dirty a while ago while ago. Besides I think fighting a Tyranno is a pretty good excuse for missing work.”

<p class="MsoNormal">“But…” “No buts!” I interjected. “After all what sort of guy would I be if I left my savior bleeding in the woods? Hang tight we’ll be at the hospital in a bit.”

<p class="MsoNormal">I could tell from her squirming that she hadn’t totally accepted the situation yet, but I wasn’t done.

<p class="MsoNormal">“Hey Gecko I’ve been thinking. My house gets really messy living by myself, and thanks to your intervention I discovered that I quite like the place clean. Do you think you could start coming over on weekends and take care of it?”

<p class="MsoNormal">“Of course master!”

<p class="MsoNormal">I could practically feel her beaming straight through my back. Perhaps living with a lizard wouldn’t be so bad after all.