User blog:Serraxas/What Do?- Grizzly Edition.

The question-

You're trekking through the forest near your village, heading for the big city to pick up some essentials that you're running low on at the weekly market there. While you're absent-mindedly going through your mental shopping list, you abruptly freeze and snap back into the world around you at the sound of a roar off to your side and a rapidly-approaching sound of something crashing through the thick foliage. A few seconds later, the intruder bursts into your neck of the woods and you manage to get a good look at it, or rather, her- it's a grizzly, and one apparently crazed on honey to boot! Her eyes, burning with desire, immediately lock onto you, her roars subsiding into a low, strangely sensual growling, and she makes a beeline for you, arms outstretched. If you don't move, she'll be on you in about 13 seconds!

In a sudden burst of adrenaline, you manage to take an incredibly long-winded mental sitrep in about 3 seconds. You're reasonably fit- probably not enough to outrun her over a long distance without something to slow her down or fight her off without a proper weapon, but you could probably buy yourself another ten to twenty seconds to think through or act out your plan by sprinting in the opposite direction. You should have time to grab one item from your pack to assist you (only things which make sense to be travelling with, please). Or you could just make the best of a bad situation and submit.

So, gentlemen.

WHAT DO?- Serraxas

My answer-

A few hours later, I'm naked in a cave in the middle of god-knows-where, being bear-hugged by a sleepy grizzly. Since my balls no longer ache so much that my thoughts invariably gravitate to good places to buy ice packs from, I think back to what actually happened in the woods. It all seemed to go by so fast at the time...

First, I made a break for it. That probably got me another ten seconds. Reaching into my pack, I grabbed... the jar of honey I was going to use for my lunchtime sandwiches. I suddeny get the vague impression that some dickhead up there is watching this right now, laughing his arse off. Ah, well, it'll make a good diversion if I toss it, at least. Unscrewing the lid, I think,  "Hey, maybe I can actually get awa-" SUDDENLY, TREE!

Ow... shit, that hurt. Pulled something in my leg, I think. Fuck. Come on, man, just grin and bear i- OH, CRAP, BEAR! Needless to say, I get tackled two seconds later, my clothes end up strewn across the clearing and I have just enough time before she mounts me to realise that the honey jar flew out of my hands when I crashed, got wedged in the branches of the tree we're under and has just come loose. Turns out that being covered in honey while being raped by a grizzly, while surprisingly pleasurable (tonguebathing and what-not) also does wonders for their endurance in the bedroom department. Sadly, not so many wonders for mine. Ouchie...