@TheTrueYeng
Okay,
So.......there are already quite a few things that are not established with this opening.
Perhaps the BIGGEST "way in" for a story is the introduction of the main character, OR the main antagonist.
Now, with characters you have to have one or more of the following traits
Believability = Is the character someone you can believe that could exist now, in the past, or in the future? Are the traits, behaviors, etc are things that one can understand, conceptualize and believe in?
Relatability = Can your reader "relate" to the character? Are there things within them that they can see within themselves? If you get hyper-specific for a character's origins and backstory, you're likely going to have readers who cannot relate, therefore they wont be invested into your story
Likability = Is the character ''likable?" this DOES NOT always mean "good" but rather they have actions / history / beliefs / or something about them that someone can "like"
For instance = A antagonist who will allow the people he dispatched to stand up and not be helpless when the antagonist ends the fight permamently.
That is something someone can admire.
In the land of the rising sun, where spring is all season long. What came was the long arrival of men from the West. Who set foot to a land unknown to them. It is beautiful, it reminds them of spring from their land, but much more mystical. It felt just like home, but far more magical here. The expedition was worth it. Their long journey doesn't end here though, it has only just begun. Challenges await them.
This into does well for imagery and setting, but it is flawed in that it is a sudden 'cold entry' with no perspective except for a narrator.
This is FINE, but!!!!! You need to have the story be told from a narrator's point of view then.
Also, the letter is an inventive way to give exposition, but it is from a character the reader knows nothing about, and has no reason to be invested in him, OR the wife he writes to.
Suggestion =
You're gonna have to introduce the character first and give the reader a reason to invest in him / her
Day 63
Dear my Beloved Wife,
After a long voyage to the sea. We finally reached an island. Everyone is relieved that we're finally here. Maxillary the V made sure duties are carried. The scribe is now counting our ships, our men, and our resources. Only 5 of 15 ships remain, they said. We thought we would never find land. The storm in the sea wasn't much of a stretch. I can thank Lord Maxillary for that, but that damn kraken still took out most of our ships. We thought all was lost. But we're finally here. If you're wondering, yes. I am still eating well. Lord Maxillary probably knew it would be a long voyage. He had planned ahead of time. It feels great to finally see land again. The landscape is beautiful here, Julianne. I hope you get to see it soon.
I want to say. I know you have heard this plenty of times, but Lord Maxillary the V, the leader of the expedition continues to fulfill his duties and role. I don't know how he does it, but he keeps his stoic determination no matter how dire situations are. I aspire to be a great leader just like him. His men have told tales of his Glory, Victories, his Naval Capabilities. His wits, will, and his mannerisms. I couldn't believe such a man exists, I think he's a hero just like the stories. I hope I can return to you as soon as possible, love.
Your Dear Beloved Husband,
Bertrum.
Again, great on exposition, you give some of the setting, but not all of it. I would recommend to allow the reader to know the following from the letter
What is the era
What is the technology level
Why they are going across the sea
More information of Maxillary and his stake in all this
"Bertrum! Are you finished writing, get over here and give us a hand with the weapons!" Commander Tubules commands.
"Yes sir!" I rushed over to him giving my support to the weapons crate. Carrying out the crates full of weapons along with them. <<<<< This line says to me that you use first person POV, but then you dropped it later on down the way
Maxillary continues to give duties whilst talking to his scribe.
Okay now your style is starting to show.
It appears you are a dialoged-driven story teller, that- combined with your use of first-person POV, I would recommend to be near-and-dear to the POV you are doing.
What is he thinking / feeling / doing.
Dialogue driven stories are more plug-and-play with 3rd person type POV
"How many men do we still have?"
"About 400 men, my lord."
"And whose that's left?"
"We still have Captain Dean's Scout Parliament. About nearly a hundred men. 50 of your men are still alive and well. The majority are what's left."
Alright then, make sure you leave the details of our infighting. Understood?"
Expand on the infighting. Have the MC use an internal monologue for this.
"Yes my lord."
"You may go."
I would add "emotes" to the dialouge it will help carry the flow
The scribe nods, and goes out of Maxillary's sight. <<<<<<like this
"Captain Dean!" He yells. "Captain Dean!" He yells much louder.
"Yes, my lord!?"
"I need your men to scout the area, make sure any monsters are cleared out of this area. See if you can find anything good. Understood?"
"I won't let you down, my lord!"
"May God be with you, Captain!"
Captain Dean soon went off with his parliament. Maxillary glees with pride, things are now in order. The majority finally set up camp next to the sea. Tomorrow awaits for their next adventure. For now, they can rest and see through the future. Bertrum sat down next to a campfire, enjoying the warmth of his tea. His curly hair is growing longer as the day goes by. His facial hair grows thicker all the way to his sideburns. Sitting next to him is his fellow man. Older than him, his hair reaches down to his lower back. His moustache and beard is not as thick as his. Still showing his age.
This is good ^^^^^ but without a solid connection or investment to a character it falls flat
"Bertrum right?" He speaks up.
"Yeah, and you are?"
"Travis." He gets out a glass pipe and his opium. Filling his pipe with the good stuff.
"What's your lineage?" Bertrum asks.
"My lineage? My father is a priest. I'm taking after him."
"And your mother?"
"She's a farmer. She has her own acres a land."
"No way, a woman? Owning land?"
Travis chuckles. "She's a smart woman. She taught me how to read." He responds camly.
"Ah, that makes more sense." His heart tinges for even saying that outloud.
Travis lights up a match and burns through the opium smoking his pipe. Taking a big huff, and then puffing a large smoke. He hands Bertrum the pipe, but he politely declines.
"Enough about me now. What about your lineage?" Bertrum stops for a moment, looks at the fire and thinks.
"My father was a foot soldier. Nothing more than that. My mother was once a serf until my father married her."
"Really?" Travis says, intrigued.
"Yeah," Bertrum said with a smile. "I asked my father about it. He told me she was the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. No noble woman can compare."
"Spoiled children, that's what I call those ladies." Travis said. They both shared a laugh.
"I guess that's how my father sees them."
The silence lingers after their chatter. Until this time. Bertrum speaks up.
"Do you have anyone at home? A wife perhaps?"
Okay, the lines above and below is the late arrival of character investment. There is a problem though....you DROPPED the first person POV and it shows. There is uncertainty for me at least as to WHOM I should be invested to. All the characters you introduce here is done in very short order, but they also, at this point, have about as much as "read time" as a MC could. This will confuse readers.
"I do. A beautiful blond woman, Charlene. My future wife. She works with the orphans."
Bertrum listens closely. <<<<<< Weren't we in first person POV? It is never a good thing to swap pov in a story "Not a day goes by that I don't think about her, I can't wait to go back home and tell her how I feel. How much she means to me. How beautiful her teal eyes shine like the stars at night. She gives me comfort through this journey." After he finished his line. He takes another hit from his pipe. "And you?"
Bertrum smiles. "Julianne, a fairmaiden."
"Oh, a maiden. She must be quite the lady."
"Hah, her looks aren't much. But I could look at her smile for eternity. Funny story about how we met. It's just like the tales." Bertrum leans forward, Travis leans closer fully invested. "One day. I saw her up in the tower through a window. I was a guard at the time. When I saw her, I swear time just stopped. For a moment it was just me and her in the world. No one else. It didn't last." Bertrum leans back in regret. She caught me looking at her unfortunately. Foolishly, I look away. When I look back she is gone. I thought I scared her away. But moments later. I saw her walking the streets, and my life changed forever. The moment I summoned up my courage to talk to her. When she saw me she had excitement bottled up inside her. She was a really sweet girl. Her eyes sparkled when I spoke with her. From that day forward, I thank the Goddess Eros for giving me the love of my life." Bertrum takes a drink from his tea, now warm instead of hot.
"It seems we have something waiting for us at home." Travis breaks the ice much further.
"Indeed, It seems."
"After this Journey is over and once we return home. Could I buy you a drink?"
"That would be nice." Bertrum smiled.
The night is peaceful, calm, and beautiful with the night sky. These men can enjoy their rest as best they can until calamity ascends from the ashes.
Chapter 1 ends.
The morning comes, Lord Maxillary and his men wake up from the sound of birds and the sunlight shining in their eyes. Early birds they are. With no sight of the scouts yet, the Knights continue to harness their skill, sharpening their blade, and cleaning tjeir equipments. Such a force are not to be reckoned with. They are veterans of war. Battle-Hardened men who have seen many battles and live to tell the tale. One man's might alone could fight in outnumbered odds.
The days go by, the rest of the crew slowly wakes up. More and more they are awakened, active, and preparing for the day. Work is ahead of them.
Maxillary is inside the main camp. Besides him was his Scribe and Commander Tubules. And his best warriors discussing plans and resources.
The rest of the crew spends time trying to burn time. For now.
Day 64
Dear my Beloved Wife,
A day has passed and the land is still beautiful as you are. Not a lot of things have happened, I will get back to you until them.
Parting thoughts,
You make a very major error in having a 1st person POV then dropping it. You have to have the reader be fully invested in the main character as quick as possible. It would be interesting to see how the story fleshes out, but it is hard to determine the level of tech / magic, the setting and era of the story you have here.
I hope this helps!
Ever your Servant-
Ore-samma